Earth Quake!!!

Wow can I just say that I feel like I've been in an earth quake! I guess I have never been in a really earthquake so I can't truly say this but I can say my life has been shaken up a bit. Let's begin the day of November 10th... I just started on Weight watcher a couple of days prior to this and very consistent with working out 7 weeks to be exact. We got the horrible news that Cooper was fired from work this was shockingly surprising to the both of us, Cooper was so shocked. They had to let him go due to funds in the company I guess that lack their of. Well you know what is sad is when Cooper delivered the news all I could think of is in "my head" "What about weight watchers?" Isn't this disgusting!! Anyhow then I step back into reality and was like what the heck! What are we going to do? We were loving are family of friends in Boise. We really were beginning to feel like Boise could be a possible home for us. We met so many amazing people! People that literally would do anything for you in a second! It seemed like we had finally found ourselves where we could maybe be for awhile. Cooper and I both knew though that Boise would never be a settling down place, due to that is career of choice was very limited in the whole state of Idaho. This job literally the only job in his field in the whole state of Idaho. So that being said we knew right away that we must move back to Montana and just start figuring out life. We knew about a month prior to him being notified of getting fired that he decided to go back to Gradschool so we knew that we would be going back to MT sometime in the summer but not now, we did not have this planned to move.

So we had to do what we had to do,,, We sold almost everything we owned! (Almost) Can I just say when we moved to Boise we had a 20ft, plus a truck with another trailer on it and another car full of materialistic crap that we did not want to let go of. Let's just say the move back to MT we only, only had a 14ft moving truck and that is it. This may have been one of the hardest things but most wonderful thing that happened to us. All the materialistic crap in my life that I thought was so important was not really that important anymore. We lost everything but not really! Our faith has grown so much in the last 5 Months and I think the Lord was truly preparing me for this, because I kept telling myself Wow if I could just get rid of this.

Your probably asking what does this have to do with my weight loss journey! A whole lot actually. Currently right now I am still doing weight watchers and am very successful so far I've lost 10lbs in 6 weeks on top of what I already lost before starting WW. The thing is now it seems a lot harder to be successful but I am not going to let this temporary earthquake shake me up! The hardest challenge for me is right now we live in a very very small cabin in the middle of nowhere and it's freezing outside. Quite literally 10 degrees or lower some days. So how does one exercise consistently and hard. Well let's just say I haven't accomplished this yet. we have been going on several walks so that is good! Also the closest weight watchers meeting is an hour away. I have been very committed to this. So during this period of waiting out life, I can only focus on my eating habits so I take this has a blessing! :) Working out is easy for me, it has never been really that easy for me on the whole eating part of it all to stay healthy!

So if your reading this there are some prayer request we have
1. We are able to really seek Jesus in this time of waiting and take advantage of this
2. Cooper get's into grad=school. He will find out in March (Which he's confident he will) but you just never know
3. Cooper is able to find a temporary job until then.
4. Cooper's Mom and inherited father will see our faith grow stronger through this hard time and that she will seek the Lord herself.
5. That the Lord continue to provide for us and give us a clear direction.

Our Praises
1. We have this time to really just give to the Lord
2. Coopers Mom has this little cabin we are able to wait on life in until we figure out what we need to do... Rent free and utilities
3. Our lil guy T is healthy and growing like he should
4. Cooper and I are closer than we have ever been. I guess quite literally! He is my Rock!
5. We have been able to sit and pray for many people in our lives.
6. We have had some brief but great conversations with his Mom
7. Mother in law is bonding with her grandson
8. We are loved and have been blessed by so many friends and family in our lives and they are our Rock in prayer! Thank YOU!!
9. I am still losing weight!! :)
10. Loving my journey right now actually! :)

At Peace

I had an incident a few days ago. I lost a friend/supporter in my life (not death) just our friendship had to end. I was so frantic about things and the character of who they called me out to be. I realized this is the enemy attacking me yet again, these are lies. I was going to fall off...my training myself... but then I realized that is exactly what the enemy wants me to do. He wants me to fail, because I have realized the closer I get to my consistencies in life the closer I am with my Heavenly Father. I love Him so much. Yesterday was a very rough day starting in the morning. I was about to give up on everything. My faith mostly... I just wanted to surrender and not believe that there is such a thing as God...because of breakup with a dear friend whom is a Christian. I couldn't believe the things that came from this person the hatred. Yes I said some awful things too. I will admit that I am not perfect. I got on my hands and knees yesterday and prayed "LORD I need physical confirmation that the lies this person was speaking into me if there is any inkling of this as truth please please let me know!!" I don't want to be this person. This person said I had a seared conscience because I told them that I was no longer believing the lies that they were speaking into me. All morning I was like what if this person is right about my "seared conscience". I then again was LORD if any of this is true please please let me know in physical confirmation. I was about to give up on everything yesterday until I was like no that is exactly what it wants. TO GIVE UP, NOT TO SUCCEED!! So I went to my Zumba class and let me tell you I was crying like a baby all the way there, I was so angry. And then about the 3rd song I just was having fun again I was free from even any of these lies. The class ended and I was about to walk out until my instructor said "Desiree' come here what's up with you?" Lately you've been leaving class without any word. She knew that I'm trying really hard to lose my weight. She is kind of my accountability partner if you can say that. She then began to speak and said "Desiree' I just wanted to Thank you for your love for people, your willingness to do anything for them, You are beautiful!! You are gorgeous." (This just made me cry more like a baby I was literally shaken and she asked me what is wrong? I said you spoke the truth to me and I asked God this morning to give me a physical confirmation about something I was told I was... and you confirmed I am not!! I was so at peace with everything. I know for sure that I am not those words this person spoke into me. That was truly from the enemy. Thank You Lord for who you are in my life! I will continue to conquer this battle of weight in my life. I am going to lose it all in one year. I vow this to you!! :)

Jealousy.... A BIG PIT

Ok I'm not one that usually gets jealous.... WAIT back up I would be lying if I said that. I'm finding more and more that I am a very jealous person. I know I know I'm not suppose to right, but I do that is a big fault of mine. Last night I was speaking with my husband and a topic came up and I realized that I'm a very selfish individual. Well I am human, but I am capable of changing my attitudes and thoughts. This morning as I was working out I didn't have my headphones so I was unable to listen to my body pumping music so instead I decided to watch others as there working out. YES I am a people watcher for sure. I saw this gal probably my age or older but she was like wonder woman. She was on the treadmill and she was to speed intervals like speed 11 and jog 6. (WOW) I was just amazed by her. I would like to say in my head I was like way to go, your awesome, but nope! That's not at all what I said in my head. I said "Show-off" then I realized I became quickly jealous. Not in that instant time but now.

Yes I am a jealous person. I hate that sometimes I feels that it's easier for people to do things. There are many things this past week that I have become jealous of...
1. People that don't have to work at being (skinny)
2. People that have the money to just have everything they want
3. People that are very talented in photography but not willing to share their talent
4. People that can run a marathon like they just ran a mile
5. People that are completely out of debt
6. People that can go shopping for clothes and have fun with it
7. People that can just have an easy fix and don't have to work at it

These are things that I am jealous of and this morning as I was listening to a radio station Dave Ramsey (He does a financial peace university and helps people get out of debt) I realized I have a very jealous heart. Which is really holding me back to becoming the person I was created to be. Those are probably the most recent but I have realized I'm living in these lies daily and the enemy is really attacking me with these. Instead of being jealous I need to take in control and be able to do this myself. Some of these are really unrealistic and have no need to even be in my thoughts but they are. They really are tearing me apart. How am I suppose to transform if I keep having these negative thoughts. I know most people probably wouldn't admit who or what their jealous of but I had to write this to come into a realization that this is what is holding me back from being great. I want to be a great photographer! I want to be a very healthy active person that can run a marathon. I want to be debt free! I need to learn to teach myself that lies are lies and I can either live in that lie or break free from that lie. Today I have an opportunity to meet with a very passionate photographer. I have the opportunity to become a great photographer. also have an opportunity to get our family out of debt. I have the opportunity to be a very healthy and active marathon runner! I will do these and may more. No longer will I live behind these lies! No longer will I live in jealously. Starting today I am going to break free from this evil pit of jealousy I am no longer going to allow to take control. Instead of wishing that I could be like that gal at the gym and become jealous I am going to tell her Awesome job and become that myself. I want to be an encourager for all! I want to be a teacher to all! :) I will break free of this. Jealously will no long hold me captive. I am done falling into this pit daily. This realistically is going to be very hard but I know I can live a jealous free life. This may be my biggest challenge yet. Will you walk with me in this challenge?

My Own Worst Enemy

Hello you all transformers out there ready to hit the nation. So I feel good for sure but am not feeling great. Last night I went to a Zumba class at a dance studio of Ballet. Now I've never been a ballet dancer but I felt so awkward being there. It wasn't that I was there for a ballet class what-so-ever but parents were waiting for their little ballerinas to get out of class while the many of us Adult beginner Zumba people were waiting to go into the room. I began to feel that eyes were all over me. Making comments in their heads about me. It was really hard to enjoy my Zumba class last night because of the thoughts that I was having that I was making up in my own head that these others may have been thinking. I don't know if this makes any sense at all. There was a whole part of me that wanted to put on my shirt If you think I'm fat you should have seen me when I was 300 pounds. :) LOL and then on my back saying down blank pounds. Just so people knew that I was determined and I was losing weight. I think this is hard right now because I have moved to a different place where people did not know me. So I am going off of their first impression. I know this is all in my head that I making crap up to discourage myself on what other may be thinking. Key word "May be thinking." Even in my Zumba class I was the heaviest person there it was so hard to enjoy dancing while looking in the mirror and seeing myself reflection. Why must they have mirrors. O right to make sure you have the correct posture!!! Then to top it all off the instructor (love her dearly) was like OK everyone front row go back and back row come forward I almost had a heart attack. I am trying to get as far a way from my reflection as possible so I don't have to look at it. Then she says go to your "Happy Place" which was funny because how in the Hell can I go to my happy place when I am already feeling very awkward that close to a full body mirror!! I just want to holler "Mirror Mirror on this wall get the hell out of hear so I can just enjoy myself dancing." But it didn't so I had to do a Zumba song in front of a mirror that felt like just inches away. As soon as we were finished with the one song I looked back at the lady that was originally in my happy spot and pleaded with her so I could have that spot back. She was very nice and was like of course. Now tell me there is something wrong hear. Why do I think that way? Why do I keep holding myself back? Yes it's truly me who is holding me back. Not anyone. Not the ballerinas, or the ballerina parents. They never said a thing. I should have been able to go confidently in and strut my stuff. But I was embarrassed. Yes I was embarrassed by myself. I need to not only transform my body but mostly my mind and my thoughts. I am my own worst enemy right now! I will conquer this I know I will and when I do I am going to shout on top of a mountain! I DID IT!!!! :)

I will not Quit!

I am so tired today! But I have to do a work out. I think I will do my wii Zumba today. This is day 5 of completed workout if I do it... OK not if (when) I do it. I find it's really hard to stay motivated especially for me right now. I am a new Mommy to a beautiful baby boy who is 8 months right now. He is the one that keeps me motivated I guess. I want to be able to play with my guy until I am too old and have to be in a wheel chair. I don't want him to ever have to go through what I did as a child. I want him to learn good habits now and always keep them not only for him but for my future children as well. I want to transform my family not just myself. I saw a quote on the wonderful Facebook it said " It takes 4 weeks to notice your body changing, 8 weeks for your friends to notice, and 12 weeks for the whole world to notice. Give it 12 weeks. Don't Quit." I loved this it was very inspirational I hope one day I can tell the world about this long difficult journey! I want to be an encouragement to the world that no matter what your addiction is it takes 12 weeks. Don't Quit!! I am not quitting I will not quit!!! Thank you all who are an inspiration to me keep the comments coming they sure are helpful!! :) O by the way I have to go shopping today for some new pants! GOOD NEWS!!

Go me and Not lil Monsters

I am feeling great!! Went to the gym and had a wonderful workout. I love getting up in the early mornings and not having to deal with traffic, or get my son ready to go to the gym. All I have to do is hop in my car and go while husband stays and watches the lil guy while I have an hour all to myself. WOW what was I thinking why didn't I do this earlier. :) I don't know what to say is that all I am ready is to transform myself. I can't get over how happy I am to be changing for life. To change myself physically and really truly keep it there. I love who I am but I can be better is what I keep telling myself. As many of you know who are actually reading this blog I have been struggling with weight. I had an amazing conversation via facebook with a long distance cousin who I honestly can't remember her ever really in my life because she was older than I and we just connected via facebook. O How I love social networking. She has been keeping up with me in my posts and sent me a message saying how she knows what I am going through. That she is in the same boat. That I was encouraging her to get on track with life. It was funny cause she mentioned weight issues being in the family being genetic. I always knew that in my good ol maiden name (West) family people dealt with it but didn't know to the extent that she and I were talking about it. It was so refreshing to hear that she knew what I was struggling with and she knew the pain of trying to fight it. As I have said before this is an "addiction." I told her that I think subconsciously I used the "genetics" card for a long while and just kept saying it was hopeless it's in my blood I'll never be the person I want to be. Then I realized that was that damn "lil monster" speaking to me again. I had to realize that I cannot and will not use that as an excuse. I can change. I will change. I will transform. Here is a shout to all of you that have it in "your blood" you can break free from it. You can change, you can do it, you can transform for the next generation!! :)

Transformation Nation

I woke up early this morning meaning 6:00am for most people that is probably not early but for me it is. I went to the Gym and workout!! Day 6 of getting up early and doing this. I know this is silly but we read in the paper yesterday Dr OZ 7 steps. He is titling it Dr Oz's transformation nation. In the paper it gave a lot of frightening statics about America and it's climbing obesity rate. Which I thought was astonishing because I thought we as a Nation have been getting better but I guess not. So he going to give a person a Millon dollars to transform their life. I am trying to do it. Not so much the million dollars but it sure is an awesome incentive to try to work up too. I don't want to be the one that lost weight because of a million dollars I want to lose weight because of a million reason. One biggest thing is I want to be young with my children. I was inspired today at the gym this morning by a lady that was probably between the age of 60-70 not sure but she was working out hard and I was like that is what I want to be when I get older I want to be that lady that has all the energy in the world to play with her grandkids and not have to be stuck to a wheel chair. I am young enough to change that now. So not even a million dollars will get me to be that. The only thing that will get me to be that is my own determination to succeed and damn it I am going to succeed. If I don't win the million dollars and I win the good health card to me that is a millon bucks. I want to live a long life. Unless of course God says otherwise. But I don't want to die because of my health I don't want to go down knowing that I died because she was fat and unhealthy. Here is too this journey that I am finally going to take back!! :) Thanks Desiree' May

PS Encouragement is always great thank you all!! :)

Lil Monster Be Kind

Like I've said many times I suck at blogging. I think of it often and I am like I should write that on my blog. So I have found so many things in my life to be hard and I would say this Journey of weight loss is so so so hard. I feel trapped sometimes and then other days I feel re-leaved that I can do something about it that I don't have to be trapped here for life. I think I started this blog like almost 2 years ago and I'm still not at my goal weight. I have found in the last several months that it is not about my goal weight nor is it about my weight in general. I found that I need to have something that motivates me to really really want to do it. It is consuming my thoughts daily. That is not a life to live to have a lil monster whispering voices in my head all day saying your fat, your ugly, your this your that. "You want that, You deserve it" "Hey you can't have that" "You will never be there" "You will never succeed" Why does it consume my thoughts? Why does this journey of life have to be so hard. I have lived with being overweight all my life pretty much. At least that is what I believed because others put that in my head. Again those lil monsters. I can re-call maybe my first memory of someone saying I was fat. I was playing on a basketball team I was in 6th grade and I can remember a gal charging at me with a ball and saying move it fatty. Those words were so hurtful. I loved the sport basketball. I loved it so much it was a way that I could escape life for awhile and just be on the court playing basketball. Then after hearing that I became very self conscience about myself on the court. I couldn't just play like I use to. I can remember looking at my basketball shorts which were a size medium and drawing a "S" on it to show that I was size "S" come on now I was only a freaking "M" that is not fat or is it? When did we decided that "M" was the next "XXL" if your not a "XS" or "S" your fat. I remember I was going in for a layup and that same gal was like watch out the hog is coming. I stopped and completely missed my shot. I could no longer play basketball just to have fun just to escape life. I became so aware of my body that was when my weight problems started to arise. I let one person speak that into my life that I became that. I still am that at times I definitely have come out of my shell is far as being confident. I think I am much more confident now even at the weight that I am now then what I was back then. I am just learning so much about myself on this journey. I am a new person I just want to be better. I want to be able to re-claim my spot on the court and be proud of my "M" size. I will I know I'll get there. I guess the quote "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" So wrong words stick to you for so long. Just remember this "If you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all." Now that is truth. :)

Mirror Mirror In The Room, Tell Me Tell Me

Wow I had quite an amazing morning actually. I've been doing the Zumba class here in Boise and I absolutely love it. I feel great except when they have all those mirrors around the room. WOW I went through the whole class then towards the end of the class I took a look at myself in the Mirror and sobbed uncontrollably. Thankfully no one saw me but I really was happy and went to straight sad. Here I am the person 4 years ago that lost a ton of weight and it slowly but quickly catching back up to me. I had a slight conversation with a friend on the phone and she asked how I was doing? You know what I couldn't hold it in anymore, I said to her I just hate that I struggle with my weight it consumes my thoughts probably 12 hrs a day. Why can't I just be happy with myself? I told her I just wish I could be happy with who I am. I love who I am personality wise but when I look at my body I am shocked. I HATE IT. I can honestly say that. I really am asking the Lord to release me from this addiction. What am I holding on to so much? I want a magic wand and just poof skinny Des. But what would that teach me right! I know I have to work hard at this. But I feel like I am completely alone in this challenge. I kind of envy my husband while I've been gaining weight he's been losing weight. Not on purpose by any means. He just has one of "Those metabolisms" but in reality he has control. I have no control, I mean I do but the mental control is exhausting sometimes. I am one day going to lose all my weight, I am one day going to beat this addiction. I am one day going to have Control. LORD give me all of this break me and mold me into the person you physically created me to be. I want to stop looking at people and wishing that I looked like them. I want to be happy with me physically. I want this but do I want it bad enough? As I type I feel like I want it bad enough but living my life out it sure doesn't seem like it. I guess it's kind of the same way as being a Christian. I want it when I am thinking about it, I want to live my life for Christ and only Christ but then I get stuck in the swamp and get all sticky and don't go after living my life for Christ. So Mirror Mirror on the wall, Tell Me Tell Me do I want it at all?

commitment and relatation???

This last week I've been thinking a lot about the dedication part. Have I started yes and no. Yes I am praying lots, no I'm not reading much. I actually just finished what I would call "junk TV" Friday Night Lights. Just last night I was speaking with my husband and I said after I'm finished watching the last season of Friday Night Lights I'll get to my reading the Bible. I laugh because shouldn't it be the other way? Shouldn't I desire the bible more than a stupid football tv drama deal. Well I think God overheard what I said last night because I woke up and I started my season and there was only 1 episode left and finished it and now I should be reading the Bible. Instead I'm on the computer writing about what I should be doing. LOL :) But on a serious factor I am going to read I have given up my tv watching habit.

Lately I've been praying that God will help me re-lactate for my little blessing Tristen. For all of you that don't know I couldn't produce enough milk for my Lil one and started giving him formula, then what supply I did have kind of dried up. Then I started on birth control and about a week later on the birth control all of a sudden I started to re-lactate! WOW I was amazed it wasn't like a full feeding by any means for Tristen but I was producing more. I went to my breastfeeding bunch and as that Lactation Consultant about it because I was in awe most woman when they get on birth control their milk supply will decrease expect me. I am the odd one out. :) So I've been praying hard that God would let me give Tristen a full supply. Then I heard a word. "Commitment" yuck lately I don't do well at committing. For this month I am going to through the re lactation process that means a lot of time and commitment. I told my husband last night that I want to do this to show that I can be dedicated and committed to something. Even if I don't get a full supply of milk for my Lil blessing. I know that I was obedient to what God wants me to do. To pick something and be full heartily be committed to it. So here is the plan. I am going to start reading The Bible, Praying for a miracle that I can produce a full supply of milk for Tristen, and pumping, feeding, pumping, pumping every two hours in the day for a month.

Please pray that I can commit to this! Like I said it's not about me being able to have a full supply of milk but being able to commit to something longer than a week. If I can do this I believe that God will bring me closer to my ultimate goal which is to lose my freakin weight and be happy with who I am and who God truly created me to be. Thank You

Disciplined

All my life I have heard you must be disciplined in order to do ____________. Or Desiree' you must have been really disciplined in order to get up every morning at 5:30am to go and pray and workout. Before I was quote "disciplined" I would think of this word as a bad word. Growing up I was disciplined for my actions. If I didn't do something an adult would say to do they would discipline me or punish me was the word I knew. We use the word discipline now to me more politically correct right? Well the actual definition of disciplined is:
1. "The training to act in accordance with rules; drill: military discipline."
2. "punishment inflicted by way of correction and training."
3. "activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training."

I believe you are either born naturally disciplined or you have to be taught to be disciplined. One memory I can remember being truly disciplined was when I played school sports, If I wanted to play I had to follow a certain type of rule. Get good grades, go to practice, do what the coach says and then the reward was that you would be able to play a certain amount of time in the actual game. This type of discipline was great! You always had a reward at the end of something you worked hard for. But most of my growing up life I saw the word or experience the word disciplined differently I saw it as the definition #2. Punishment, inflicted. I even began punishing myself if I could not succeed at something that I was trying to succeed at or was asked to do. This is where I believe I got my people pleasing personality.

You're probably asking why is she writing about disciplined what does this have to do with her journey? Well it has a lot to do with it. In the last couple of weeks that I have been trying to be do this PRISM weight loss I've found myself not succeeding at it. The PRISM calls out that you must not eat anything with added sugar or sugar in it and also no white flour stay away from the carbs and also staying within a certain amount of calories. Which if you've been keeping up with my blog you know that I am very addicted to the sugar and carbs. One early morning while feeding my son Tristen I was looking at him and wondering where in my early childhood or when did I become so dependent on food for my emotions. When did I go from being fed to what I needed for my body to consuming more than I needed. Why can't I just be disciplined enough not to eat ___________. Or why does my stomache always feel empty when I know caloric-ally I have what I need to survive but it's not good enough for me.
I realized since I got pregnant I threw all my disciplined things out. I would always pray daily, I would run daily, I would sleep and wake up at the same time for the most part, I had a schedule that I would attain and I was very happy. For some odd reason when I became pregnant I lost all that, I was very tired all the time and not to mention Cooper and I moving to Boise and I had a whole different setting. A lot of change went on. Realistically I became fearful of the new situation I was in and threw all my good habits away and curled up into a dark cave and stayed there up until I recently had Tristen.

I realized that I need to be disciplined again. So these last couple of weeks I've tried to throw everything back in, but I've failed. I realized then that I was trying to do much at the same time that I would become overwhelmed and just fail at everything versus trying really hard to succeed at one thing first. So here it is. I am writing a list of things that I would like to start doing again but I am only going to do 1 thing and then add another once I am able to succeed at the first thing and keep it going. Then I started thinking well what should I do first or what would I want to do first. Here is my list
1. Pray/Read daily for a consistent 6wks with no day off and then continue this after
2. Start my exercise routine: Video exercise/walking/jogging/running 3 miles at least 3x a week for 6wks and continue this once I succeed this
3.Get rid of sugar/flour in my diet, stay away from sweets and flour for 6wks.

There is more to my list of what I would like to be disciplined in but for now I feel like these are my most important ones. So starting this week starting today for 6 whole weeks I am going to commit to praying and reading scripture and asking God to follow me on this journey. Wish me luck. I belive this is going to help me so much.

Deprived or Disciplined

So since really starting this journey I have always been saying to myself I have to be disciplined. But quite honestly today and yesterday I have felt deprived. Deprived that I can't eat what others are able to eat. It's such a matter of mind over matter. Why is it so hard to follow through with things, why can't a simple carrot taste as good to me as a freakin bowl of ice-cream? I am going crazy here. Maybe because it is day 4 without any refined sugar or white flour and I am detoxing. Yes I used the word detox, I am an addict to food to really good food or I guess in this case not so good for you food. I am doing this diet called PRISM and it has a daily reading and it's to help me change my attitude towards food. Well my attitude in last four days as been jealousy, anger and frustration. Questioning myself am I ever going to be able to have a freaking slice of cake with self-control. Am I ever going to be able to have self-control at all? Much like an alcoholic am I just going to have to stay away from all this good tasting stuff for life? Am I ever going to be able to feel satisfied with my life change? I sure hope so. I actually know that I can. I just don't see it this second of this minute. Today is hard I am feeling dizzy, sick, and really shaky. I really truly am an addict coming off of a drug; drug of choice sugar.

As I am writing this I have found that this journey is not about losing weight in numbers, it's not about feeling all skinny and fabulous granted this is all plus things. But for me it's an emotional roller coaster. It's figuring out my life in the past and present and figuring out why I choose to eat the way I eat. Do I not have respect for myself? Do I not think I am worth it? Do I really only think that I am only good enough for a freaking doughnut and not those amazing organic expensive vegetables? Am I not worth what God has made? God did not create doughnuts, he made vegetables from the ground to give us the essential vitamins to put in our bodies to be able to grow into mature people. Instead I have felt that I am putting junk in my body and growing into a weed. I shouldn't feel deprived of this I should feel relieved that God has given us better food for us don't I deserve this? Up front realistically I know what is good for me, I know what is healthy for me. But there are many time I feel worthless so what do I do I grab worthless items and stick it in my mouth. I need to break this and I am now walking that journey to defeat my emotions and to defeat my guilt. I am going to conquer this enemy!!!

My reading today
Ephesians 5:15-17 "Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is."
Psalm 56:12-13 "I will surely do what I have promised, Lord, and thank you for your help. For you have saved me from death and my feet from slipping, so that I can walk before the Lord in the land of the living."

This I do promise Lord whatever it takes I will defeat and conquer this. Thanks Desiree' May :)

Can't blame anyone but yourself

Wow again I really suck at this whole blogging thing, but just so you know I haven't given up on my journey. I realized the title of my blog is 50lbs seems so far... Now it's more like 70lbs seems so far. Yes I have gained weight... but all in good behavior we had our baby. Tristen Jerome McCann he was born on February 9th, 2011. I can't believe he is going to be 2 months soon. It goes by so fast. In all of this hectic crazy learning to be a mommy thing, I started to forget about myself. I actually became a little depressed because I lost who I was again and now have to figure out what Desiree' looks or is as a mommy now. I have found that I am definitely a emotional eater. Since I have had my little guy it seemed all I was craving was sweets, sweets, sweets. Not okay when your already over-weight. Well I gave into my cravings daily and gained 10lbs in the last two months, I lost the instant baby weight, but have not lost anything else. So I am sucking it up and as of yesterday started my diet called PRISM, it's great because it involves doing daily devotions which I love and holding myself accountable. I also am going to a group weekly that meets and holds one another accountable to the program. It's kind of like weight watchers but it's a faith based diet. (Which is who I am) The only thing that motivates me is the LORD!! I can't do this alone, I need him to help me.

I found myself feeling guilty because I am unable to breastfeed. So the first month of being a mom was rough, i became very stressed and started packing my emotions with food instead of talking them out with the people that love and support me. So this is why I've titled the blog the way it is. I can't blame anyone, but myself for over indulging in food. I am no longer blaming anyone but myself for the weight gain. So here I go. Restarting and going to do whatever it takes to lose this weight before baby #2. Thank You!! :)