I keep finding myself thinking of life as a journey. I am sure many times we all do. I was looking over some of my older blogs and as much as this was suppose to be a weight loss journey it has kind of become a journey of my life throughout the last couple of years. (I'm not the best with keeping this consistent) I looked up the word journey and it is defined as: The act of traveling from one place to another, a trip. In the last couple of years I didn't plan on traveling from one place to another. I have traveled many places not necessarily physical places as I have done some of this but mostly through experiences.
My husband and I's 3rd year anniversary is coming up on the 16th of May and in just these short 3 years I have had a Journey I guess he would say we. But this blog is about me!! :) I have learned so much and still have a lot to learn about being a wife. For the 1st and 2nd year I was broken because I wasn't the normal wife that like to cook for my husband. As some of my friends do this for their husband. I actually am awful at this not cooking necessarily I just hate it so therefore I'm not passionate about it. I finally come to realization that my husband likes it and it's ok for him to cook. So we finally after almost 3years of battling this we have come to a compromise. If I plan what we are having do the shopping and have it set out ready my husband will do the physical cooking of it. :) Wow what a great idea huh.
Funny this wasn't suppose to really be about my husband and I but I guess we are one now for almost 3 years WOW! So the other journey that I have found myself is being a mom. I'm not going to boast or anything but I know this is what I was created for! I love it! It's truly the best job ever. I love my lil guy so much it hurts as I am sure most moms and dads can relate. One of the first things I remember when Tristen entered into our world on February 9th, 2011 at 9:15 is thinking of the instant love I had for him. I have even developed this relationship with him other than carrying him for 9months I guess. I would define this love as unconditional love. Which is defined as an affection without any limitations. This is when it really connected for me!
Is our Heavenly Father how much he loves us unconditionally. I began to think of this feeling I have for Tristen and began to cry if I love my son truly this much, then my Heavenly Father loves me so much more! WOW can you believe this? I am going to say that again. My Heavenly Father Loves me so much more than I love my own son. It's kind of unfathomable for me to even think about, but I am.
I guess now I have to start working on this with myself. To love me. I know I am loved by so many people and I love so many people, but I don't think I have truly learned to love myself. I think we are taught as Christian to be selfless and not selfish and I believe as I have tried to walk through this I am still a very selfish person! I am going to try a lot harder to truly believe that my Father Loves me more than I love my own son. That I can love myself and begin on this journey of become less selfish and become selfless. Thank you all who have loved me unconditionally you are loved too! :)
I am going to leave with a few versus here that I found on love. There is a lot so I just chose a few! I hope and pray that you know that you are loved so deeply by our heavenly Father! Please take these versus and write them down or print them out and paste them all over your room/house so you begin to truly know that you are loved. :)
Romans 5:8 ESV
But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
1Corinthians 13:1-13 ESV
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; ...
1 John 4:16 ESV
So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.
Romans 5:5 ESV
And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Isaiah 49:15-16 ESV
“Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me.
Jeremiah 31:3 ESV
The Lord appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Prayer is powerful
Wow can I just say Thank you to you all who have prayed for us. In just these few last week things have really started to look up. Cooper has a job (temporarily) but perfect timing with work and for him to go to school. God had that planned all along. I am still struggling with the thought of this pregnancy but day to day it get's better. Cooper and I have been able to really just sit and talk and our relationship is getting better (not that it was awful or anything) it was just hard for him not to be doing or providing as he would say. The church we are attending Connect in Belgrade is just completely amazing and inspirational. Spiritually I am doing lots better. I think the hardest thing for me right now is so much solitude for me but it's also been quite amazing. I don't have much to say but I just wanted to let you all know that. Hope is in the McCann clan and that we are thriving to be better at everything God has called us too. Thank you for all your prayers and please don't stop. Again thank you!! :)
Desiree' May
Desiree' May
Monday, January 2, 2012
A New Beginning...Feeling Hopeless
This I am beginning to see is not a blog about weight loss as much as it is a journey of my life. I stepped back and read a few of my past blogs and began feeling hopeless about all of this. I have struggled way to long with this stupid battle of weight. I think about several times a day. But this today is not about my weight it about this journey we all call life. Ok my life currently in right now. As I was reading through status on the wonderful social media of facebook I kept seeing people say 2012 is going to be good, it's going to be great!! At church today our Pastor even said the same kind of response. Well as I am an individual for me I felt like it's going to be one of the biggest years that I battle with. In my marriage, in being a mom, in finding myself, in continuing to lose weight, in confidence, fears, emotions. Now I am not trying to speak of my future but this is what I feel right now. HOPELESS.
Out situation isn't the greatest right now but I keep trying to mask on the Christian face and I keep telling myself I should see this as a blessing, I should see the good in this all. By "this all I mean" the end of 2011 sucked for me.
1. Cooper was fired from his job with no rhyme or reason what so ever.
2. We moved back to Montana from Boise because family is comfort in hard times (Blessing)
3. We currently live in a very tiny home (500 ft) in Pony MT population: Ghost town of 300 or less. (Now this is a Blessing also because we are fortunate to have a roof over our head and warmth and my mother in law is not charging us a dime I see this as a blessing for sure but I am struggling big time in this.)
4. I feel that my husband and I are growing apart. (Set in depression I am sure)
5. Cooper found out he is not allowed to collect unemployment because he was fired, but he is fighting this. (So pray hard please)
6. I am no longer losing weight as I found out that I am pregnant. Yes you read that right I am pregnant. Unplanned pregnancy right here. This is probably the hardest thing for me to deal with right now because I am not a joyful parent finding out that I am pregnant. I feel that it is completely wrong timing. The baby will be due August 13th. Then I will be a mother of two children who are 18months apart and it is freaking me out!!! (I do know that God has a plan for us and that his timing his the best even if I am blind to seeing it)
7. I feel more lonely that I have ever ever felt in my life. (Maybe it's the hormones, but it is what I feel right now)
8. I hate putting on a fake smile to pretend that everything is alright.
9. I am still dealing with an emotional loss of a friend (meaning we are no longer friends because of our mess ups with each other. But I am trying to be that Christian friend that will not give up on the relationship because if I do then I must be weak, cold hearted, careless)
10. BIGGEST thing right now is feeling like I'm living in Silence with my heavenly Father. I seem to feel that I can't hear him no longer.
11. Found out that a family member of mine is going to have to go to treatment because of yet another addiction in our family tree.
As I write this I begin to see some of these as not a real serious life threatening thing but others I really see as an attack on my life. I know I know it could be worse right? Wrong! This I feel is my worst and maybe it's just this moment in time but man I don't know if I can take anymore falls lately.
It is 4:43am. I have been up for a couple of hours now. There is Peace I can see it I just don't know when it is coming and that is what is probably driving me to these emotions is not knowing the future right now. At the same time I am glad I don't know. So back to my number 10. I began to talking to God in the wee hours of this morning and I just couldn't decipher if it was myself talking to me or not. Then I became distracted by my smartphone and saw the social media sign calling my name. Good ol Facebook the big White and Blue F... Who says God doesn't speak through facebook and uses his children to speak. I was reading a status Kate Frank's status (now Kate and I have only met a couple of times through the Boise Vineyard and she is wonderful child of God) She posted this bible verse.
Isiah 43:16
"I am the Lord, who opened a way through the waters, making a dry path through the sea. "But forget all that- it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."
This is what I am ending with. WOW and I was doubting The Heavenly Father! I am in the perfect arms of my savior. Thank You JESUS!!!
P.S. If you'd like to pray please pray for my list there of oh pitty me's. Because I do need it!
Love Desiree' May a daughter, princess of Christ!! :)
Out situation isn't the greatest right now but I keep trying to mask on the Christian face and I keep telling myself I should see this as a blessing, I should see the good in this all. By "this all I mean" the end of 2011 sucked for me.
1. Cooper was fired from his job with no rhyme or reason what so ever.
2. We moved back to Montana from Boise because family is comfort in hard times (Blessing)
3. We currently live in a very tiny home (500 ft) in Pony MT population: Ghost town of 300 or less. (Now this is a Blessing also because we are fortunate to have a roof over our head and warmth and my mother in law is not charging us a dime I see this as a blessing for sure but I am struggling big time in this.)
4. I feel that my husband and I are growing apart. (Set in depression I am sure)
5. Cooper found out he is not allowed to collect unemployment because he was fired, but he is fighting this. (So pray hard please)
6. I am no longer losing weight as I found out that I am pregnant. Yes you read that right I am pregnant. Unplanned pregnancy right here. This is probably the hardest thing for me to deal with right now because I am not a joyful parent finding out that I am pregnant. I feel that it is completely wrong timing. The baby will be due August 13th. Then I will be a mother of two children who are 18months apart and it is freaking me out!!! (I do know that God has a plan for us and that his timing his the best even if I am blind to seeing it)
7. I feel more lonely that I have ever ever felt in my life. (Maybe it's the hormones, but it is what I feel right now)
8. I hate putting on a fake smile to pretend that everything is alright.
9. I am still dealing with an emotional loss of a friend (meaning we are no longer friends because of our mess ups with each other. But I am trying to be that Christian friend that will not give up on the relationship because if I do then I must be weak, cold hearted, careless)
10. BIGGEST thing right now is feeling like I'm living in Silence with my heavenly Father. I seem to feel that I can't hear him no longer.
11. Found out that a family member of mine is going to have to go to treatment because of yet another addiction in our family tree.
As I write this I begin to see some of these as not a real serious life threatening thing but others I really see as an attack on my life. I know I know it could be worse right? Wrong! This I feel is my worst and maybe it's just this moment in time but man I don't know if I can take anymore falls lately.
It is 4:43am. I have been up for a couple of hours now. There is Peace I can see it I just don't know when it is coming and that is what is probably driving me to these emotions is not knowing the future right now. At the same time I am glad I don't know. So back to my number 10. I began to talking to God in the wee hours of this morning and I just couldn't decipher if it was myself talking to me or not. Then I became distracted by my smartphone and saw the social media sign calling my name. Good ol Facebook the big White and Blue F... Who says God doesn't speak through facebook and uses his children to speak. I was reading a status Kate Frank's status (now Kate and I have only met a couple of times through the Boise Vineyard and she is wonderful child of God) She posted this bible verse.
Isiah 43:16
"I am the Lord, who opened a way through the waters, making a dry path through the sea. "But forget all that- it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."
This is what I am ending with. WOW and I was doubting The Heavenly Father! I am in the perfect arms of my savior. Thank You JESUS!!!
P.S. If you'd like to pray please pray for my list there of oh pitty me's. Because I do need it!
Love Desiree' May a daughter, princess of Christ!! :)
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