Lil Monster Be Kind

Like I've said many times I suck at blogging. I think of it often and I am like I should write that on my blog. So I have found so many things in my life to be hard and I would say this Journey of weight loss is so so so hard. I feel trapped sometimes and then other days I feel re-leaved that I can do something about it that I don't have to be trapped here for life. I think I started this blog like almost 2 years ago and I'm still not at my goal weight. I have found in the last several months that it is not about my goal weight nor is it about my weight in general. I found that I need to have something that motivates me to really really want to do it. It is consuming my thoughts daily. That is not a life to live to have a lil monster whispering voices in my head all day saying your fat, your ugly, your this your that. "You want that, You deserve it" "Hey you can't have that" "You will never be there" "You will never succeed" Why does it consume my thoughts? Why does this journey of life have to be so hard. I have lived with being overweight all my life pretty much. At least that is what I believed because others put that in my head. Again those lil monsters. I can re-call maybe my first memory of someone saying I was fat. I was playing on a basketball team I was in 6th grade and I can remember a gal charging at me with a ball and saying move it fatty. Those words were so hurtful. I loved the sport basketball. I loved it so much it was a way that I could escape life for awhile and just be on the court playing basketball. Then after hearing that I became very self conscience about myself on the court. I couldn't just play like I use to. I can remember looking at my basketball shorts which were a size medium and drawing a "S" on it to show that I was size "S" come on now I was only a freaking "M" that is not fat or is it? When did we decided that "M" was the next "XXL" if your not a "XS" or "S" your fat. I remember I was going in for a layup and that same gal was like watch out the hog is coming. I stopped and completely missed my shot. I could no longer play basketball just to have fun just to escape life. I became so aware of my body that was when my weight problems started to arise. I let one person speak that into my life that I became that. I still am that at times I definitely have come out of my shell is far as being confident. I think I am much more confident now even at the weight that I am now then what I was back then. I am just learning so much about myself on this journey. I am a new person I just want to be better. I want to be able to re-claim my spot on the court and be proud of my "M" size. I will I know I'll get there. I guess the quote "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" So wrong words stick to you for so long. Just remember this "If you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all." Now that is truth. :)