Deprived or Disciplined

So since really starting this journey I have always been saying to myself I have to be disciplined. But quite honestly today and yesterday I have felt deprived. Deprived that I can't eat what others are able to eat. It's such a matter of mind over matter. Why is it so hard to follow through with things, why can't a simple carrot taste as good to me as a freakin bowl of ice-cream? I am going crazy here. Maybe because it is day 4 without any refined sugar or white flour and I am detoxing. Yes I used the word detox, I am an addict to food to really good food or I guess in this case not so good for you food. I am doing this diet called PRISM and it has a daily reading and it's to help me change my attitude towards food. Well my attitude in last four days as been jealousy, anger and frustration. Questioning myself am I ever going to be able to have a freaking slice of cake with self-control. Am I ever going to be able to have self-control at all? Much like an alcoholic am I just going to have to stay away from all this good tasting stuff for life? Am I ever going to be able to feel satisfied with my life change? I sure hope so. I actually know that I can. I just don't see it this second of this minute. Today is hard I am feeling dizzy, sick, and really shaky. I really truly am an addict coming off of a drug; drug of choice sugar.

As I am writing this I have found that this journey is not about losing weight in numbers, it's not about feeling all skinny and fabulous granted this is all plus things. But for me it's an emotional roller coaster. It's figuring out my life in the past and present and figuring out why I choose to eat the way I eat. Do I not have respect for myself? Do I not think I am worth it? Do I really only think that I am only good enough for a freaking doughnut and not those amazing organic expensive vegetables? Am I not worth what God has made? God did not create doughnuts, he made vegetables from the ground to give us the essential vitamins to put in our bodies to be able to grow into mature people. Instead I have felt that I am putting junk in my body and growing into a weed. I shouldn't feel deprived of this I should feel relieved that God has given us better food for us don't I deserve this? Up front realistically I know what is good for me, I know what is healthy for me. But there are many time I feel worthless so what do I do I grab worthless items and stick it in my mouth. I need to break this and I am now walking that journey to defeat my emotions and to defeat my guilt. I am going to conquer this enemy!!!

My reading today
Ephesians 5:15-17 "Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is."
Psalm 56:12-13 "I will surely do what I have promised, Lord, and thank you for your help. For you have saved me from death and my feet from slipping, so that I can walk before the Lord in the land of the living."

This I do promise Lord whatever it takes I will defeat and conquer this. Thanks Desiree' May :)

Can't blame anyone but yourself

Wow again I really suck at this whole blogging thing, but just so you know I haven't given up on my journey. I realized the title of my blog is 50lbs seems so far... Now it's more like 70lbs seems so far. Yes I have gained weight... but all in good behavior we had our baby. Tristen Jerome McCann he was born on February 9th, 2011. I can't believe he is going to be 2 months soon. It goes by so fast. In all of this hectic crazy learning to be a mommy thing, I started to forget about myself. I actually became a little depressed because I lost who I was again and now have to figure out what Desiree' looks or is as a mommy now. I have found that I am definitely a emotional eater. Since I have had my little guy it seemed all I was craving was sweets, sweets, sweets. Not okay when your already over-weight. Well I gave into my cravings daily and gained 10lbs in the last two months, I lost the instant baby weight, but have not lost anything else. So I am sucking it up and as of yesterday started my diet called PRISM, it's great because it involves doing daily devotions which I love and holding myself accountable. I also am going to a group weekly that meets and holds one another accountable to the program. It's kind of like weight watchers but it's a faith based diet. (Which is who I am) The only thing that motivates me is the LORD!! I can't do this alone, I need him to help me.

I found myself feeling guilty because I am unable to breastfeed. So the first month of being a mom was rough, i became very stressed and started packing my emotions with food instead of talking them out with the people that love and support me. So this is why I've titled the blog the way it is. I can't blame anyone, but myself for over indulging in food. I am no longer blaming anyone but myself for the weight gain. So here I go. Restarting and going to do whatever it takes to lose this weight before baby #2. Thank You!! :)

Wow what a Journey! "LIFE"

So again I've never said I would be the best blogger in the world but I kind of suck at the whole blogging thing, keeping it updated and such! Well what has happened since the last time I wrote!! A whole lot of stuff!! I did run my 5K all the way back in June and it was a fun experience. I didn't do as well as I thought but that is ok,,, there is a reason for that but I'll tell you about that later on in this statement of life. Since then a lot has happened Cooper (My wonderful amazing Husband) was able to get a job but sadly not in Montana but in Boise Idaho. He had to move there at the end of March and I stayed behind to finish up my work in Big Sky Montana to the end of June or something like that. As Cooper was gone I was still on my weight journey trying to lose weight and eat healthier and I feel like I was doing a pretty good job. It was a lot easier to eat healthy without him there for some reason. I lost 10lbs which was alright but nothing to extravagant in my eyes.
Cooper was able to come visit me in May and we ended up with our newest addition in our family our "Wimerainer puppy Raea" I pretty much had to beg Cooper for the dog and he finally gave in to it. By the way he loves his puppy! Then he had to leave again until I was ready to move back with him. On June 19th I found out that I was pregnant and that Cooper and I were going to be parents. I was going to wait to tell him on June 20th because that was Father's Day but I was so excited that I couldn't wait. I had to call him and tell him which was a bummer but life goes on right? So let's just say for the next few months we were heading into a lot of change. Moving from friends and family, expecting a lil McCann in February. This is where I want to blame my soon to be child for my not so great run in the 5K. I was literally pregnant as I was running and had no idea, there was a reason why I felt so dizzy as I was running that whole time and why I was so exhausted because my body was preparing for a lil baby!

Now it's December and I haven't written well over 7months now! Cooper and I are very excited and can't wait for our little guy to come into this world!! Or wait yes we can wait!! :) I am not due until February 20th but that feels to me just around the corner. My little guy Tristen Jerome has been kicking me like crazy I love it! He knows my voice and his daddy's voice now it's so sweet. So needless to say my Journey for the weight loss has stopped for now, but I am taking good care of myself for both myself and Tristen. I have gained this far only 16lbs and I only have 2 1/2 months left so this is good. I have expressed to my doctor how fearful I was gaining all the pregnancy weight after losing so much already and still feeling like I was not done losing. My doctor gave me a good weight amount to gain and I am trying to stick to that. I think it is all by the Grace of our God that I haven't gained a lot and I think the Lord knows how important this is to me. So thank you to my biggest fan My Heavenly Father!! So after our little one comes I will be getting back to my routine of losing weight and enjoying the journey!!

Wow I Suck

Ok wow I am not impressed of my blogging abilities. You want to know why I haven't been blogging because I really truly haven't been doing much to keep off the weight. I am now more confident about some things. I have a friend that is holding me accountable to my working out. If I could just have a very loud obnoxious beeper that would go off in my head every time I picked something bad up to eat... I think it would make the journey a lot easier.
Yesterday I was inspired by a couple of friends who I was driving with back from Idaho to Montana. I was mostly listening to the conversation and what came up was how we all feel horrible how we eat, how we always feel much better when we are active and eating healthy and how much work it takes to stay that way!! If life could be the other way around and we could be happy with just sitting on the couch eating a bag of chips and our calorie burning exercise would be our mouths going up and down from eating the bag of chips and we just burned 182 calories wouldn't life be so much easier? Well of course but what I have realized on the journey is that life is work. Life is hard. If we work hard then we are so much happier in the end results.

Another thing that I thought was very inspiring was hearing the conversation laid down as " I don't want to be in shape or look great because of society I want to be in shape because I want to do my ministry well, and if I'm not in shape that I will not be able to do my ministry in excellence." I want to strive for excellence in this area. So I'm getting off the couch and running a 5K June 6th. I am in the process of training now for it. I want to be healthy and active for Me!!

Trials may be failures or failures may be trials!

So I know it's been a long long time since my last blog. I apologize for this. However the title of my blog is very appropriate to the way that I have been feeling. I think a lot of times I feel that when I am going through a trail then I feel like such a failure. I have been dealing with a lot of emotions lately with trying to lose weight and almost become obsessive about it that it becomes discouraging that I start saying to myself "I can start again on Monday." "I will start tomorrow." I wish it was just easy for me to lose weight. I wish I could just lose it all in one day. I realize that this is not realistic but I do wish it was much easier. I need to be able to encourage myself and become determined about this goal. I know it's realistic, I'm not setting to high standards, to put it to the truth, I just do not want to have to work that hard to get these results. Realistically I just wish I could push a magic button and I could just lose all of my weight. However, I do know that this is not realistic and that I need to be determined. Well here I come boot camp early in the morning. Signing out Desiree' :)

Hang On... Can I believe??

Ok so today is Tuesday and to be quite honest today I had no motivation at all to go work out. I did notice though that I was more aware of how much I was eating if I wasn't going to work out. Sometimes I swear there is like two of me battling over me. There me 1 who wants to do whatever it takes to lose all of my weight and be able to be healthy again and then there is me 2 who looks at everyone and wishes she could be like them because it would be easier. If I just was like them I wouldn't be wear I am at, or if I was just born in a diff Ara. GIVE ME A BREAK ME 2. Yes I know it's crazy to think this, but realistically this is what I am sure most woman or young gals go through every freakin day to be accepted by society. Well to heck with society. Why do be believe so much of this when really I should believe in myself and love me. I put way to much focus on what I should look like. If I would focus that much on something else I am sure the world would be a much happier place if I didn't think about me or we didn't think so much about what "they" think!! OK OK enough of my tangent! I am getting up tomorrow morning for some boot camp. I am going to work work work and sacrifice an hour to really burn some calories and know that I am working and doing my best to perfect what my body needs to be healthy again.

My focus tomorrow: To not say anything or think anything negative about myself. This challenge is going to be hard but I know it is possible because I am taking back what society has taught me to believe to being what I know I can be!!! :)
Signing off
50 more lbs to go!!

Weekend Crashers!!

Real quick because I have a minute or two right now. My weekends are a struggle to be quite honest, I just have all the time in the world :) Yeah right. Just to be completely honest with myself I think I am an emotional eater and eat out of boredom. this is what I observed during the weekend. However I did commit to walk on Sat, Sun and that did happen :) So yeah go me!! I'll write more late about my routine in the morning and how everything went at my 4th day of boot camp :) Until then see ya later:)