Jealousy.... A BIG PIT

Ok I'm not one that usually gets jealous.... WAIT back up I would be lying if I said that. I'm finding more and more that I am a very jealous person. I know I know I'm not suppose to right, but I do that is a big fault of mine. Last night I was speaking with my husband and a topic came up and I realized that I'm a very selfish individual. Well I am human, but I am capable of changing my attitudes and thoughts. This morning as I was working out I didn't have my headphones so I was unable to listen to my body pumping music so instead I decided to watch others as there working out. YES I am a people watcher for sure. I saw this gal probably my age or older but she was like wonder woman. She was on the treadmill and she was to speed intervals like speed 11 and jog 6. (WOW) I was just amazed by her. I would like to say in my head I was like way to go, your awesome, but nope! That's not at all what I said in my head. I said "Show-off" then I realized I became quickly jealous. Not in that instant time but now.

Yes I am a jealous person. I hate that sometimes I feels that it's easier for people to do things. There are many things this past week that I have become jealous of...
1. People that don't have to work at being (skinny)
2. People that have the money to just have everything they want
3. People that are very talented in photography but not willing to share their talent
4. People that can run a marathon like they just ran a mile
5. People that are completely out of debt
6. People that can go shopping for clothes and have fun with it
7. People that can just have an easy fix and don't have to work at it

These are things that I am jealous of and this morning as I was listening to a radio station Dave Ramsey (He does a financial peace university and helps people get out of debt) I realized I have a very jealous heart. Which is really holding me back to becoming the person I was created to be. Those are probably the most recent but I have realized I'm living in these lies daily and the enemy is really attacking me with these. Instead of being jealous I need to take in control and be able to do this myself. Some of these are really unrealistic and have no need to even be in my thoughts but they are. They really are tearing me apart. How am I suppose to transform if I keep having these negative thoughts. I know most people probably wouldn't admit who or what their jealous of but I had to write this to come into a realization that this is what is holding me back from being great. I want to be a great photographer! I want to be a very healthy active person that can run a marathon. I want to be debt free! I need to learn to teach myself that lies are lies and I can either live in that lie or break free from that lie. Today I have an opportunity to meet with a very passionate photographer. I have the opportunity to become a great photographer. also have an opportunity to get our family out of debt. I have the opportunity to be a very healthy and active marathon runner! I will do these and may more. No longer will I live behind these lies! No longer will I live in jealously. Starting today I am going to break free from this evil pit of jealousy I am no longer going to allow to take control. Instead of wishing that I could be like that gal at the gym and become jealous I am going to tell her Awesome job and become that myself. I want to be an encourager for all! I want to be a teacher to all! :) I will break free of this. Jealously will no long hold me captive. I am done falling into this pit daily. This realistically is going to be very hard but I know I can live a jealous free life. This may be my biggest challenge yet. Will you walk with me in this challenge?

My Own Worst Enemy

Hello you all transformers out there ready to hit the nation. So I feel good for sure but am not feeling great. Last night I went to a Zumba class at a dance studio of Ballet. Now I've never been a ballet dancer but I felt so awkward being there. It wasn't that I was there for a ballet class what-so-ever but parents were waiting for their little ballerinas to get out of class while the many of us Adult beginner Zumba people were waiting to go into the room. I began to feel that eyes were all over me. Making comments in their heads about me. It was really hard to enjoy my Zumba class last night because of the thoughts that I was having that I was making up in my own head that these others may have been thinking. I don't know if this makes any sense at all. There was a whole part of me that wanted to put on my shirt If you think I'm fat you should have seen me when I was 300 pounds. :) LOL and then on my back saying down blank pounds. Just so people knew that I was determined and I was losing weight. I think this is hard right now because I have moved to a different place where people did not know me. So I am going off of their first impression. I know this is all in my head that I making crap up to discourage myself on what other may be thinking. Key word "May be thinking." Even in my Zumba class I was the heaviest person there it was so hard to enjoy dancing while looking in the mirror and seeing myself reflection. Why must they have mirrors. O right to make sure you have the correct posture!!! Then to top it all off the instructor (love her dearly) was like OK everyone front row go back and back row come forward I almost had a heart attack. I am trying to get as far a way from my reflection as possible so I don't have to look at it. Then she says go to your "Happy Place" which was funny because how in the Hell can I go to my happy place when I am already feeling very awkward that close to a full body mirror!! I just want to holler "Mirror Mirror on this wall get the hell out of hear so I can just enjoy myself dancing." But it didn't so I had to do a Zumba song in front of a mirror that felt like just inches away. As soon as we were finished with the one song I looked back at the lady that was originally in my happy spot and pleaded with her so I could have that spot back. She was very nice and was like of course. Now tell me there is something wrong hear. Why do I think that way? Why do I keep holding myself back? Yes it's truly me who is holding me back. Not anyone. Not the ballerinas, or the ballerina parents. They never said a thing. I should have been able to go confidently in and strut my stuff. But I was embarrassed. Yes I was embarrassed by myself. I need to not only transform my body but mostly my mind and my thoughts. I am my own worst enemy right now! I will conquer this I know I will and when I do I am going to shout on top of a mountain! I DID IT!!!! :)

I will not Quit!

I am so tired today! But I have to do a work out. I think I will do my wii Zumba today. This is day 5 of completed workout if I do it... OK not if (when) I do it. I find it's really hard to stay motivated especially for me right now. I am a new Mommy to a beautiful baby boy who is 8 months right now. He is the one that keeps me motivated I guess. I want to be able to play with my guy until I am too old and have to be in a wheel chair. I don't want him to ever have to go through what I did as a child. I want him to learn good habits now and always keep them not only for him but for my future children as well. I want to transform my family not just myself. I saw a quote on the wonderful Facebook it said " It takes 4 weeks to notice your body changing, 8 weeks for your friends to notice, and 12 weeks for the whole world to notice. Give it 12 weeks. Don't Quit." I loved this it was very inspirational I hope one day I can tell the world about this long difficult journey! I want to be an encouragement to the world that no matter what your addiction is it takes 12 weeks. Don't Quit!! I am not quitting I will not quit!!! Thank you all who are an inspiration to me keep the comments coming they sure are helpful!! :) O by the way I have to go shopping today for some new pants! GOOD NEWS!!

Go me and Not lil Monsters

I am feeling great!! Went to the gym and had a wonderful workout. I love getting up in the early mornings and not having to deal with traffic, or get my son ready to go to the gym. All I have to do is hop in my car and go while husband stays and watches the lil guy while I have an hour all to myself. WOW what was I thinking why didn't I do this earlier. :) I don't know what to say is that all I am ready is to transform myself. I can't get over how happy I am to be changing for life. To change myself physically and really truly keep it there. I love who I am but I can be better is what I keep telling myself. As many of you know who are actually reading this blog I have been struggling with weight. I had an amazing conversation via facebook with a long distance cousin who I honestly can't remember her ever really in my life because she was older than I and we just connected via facebook. O How I love social networking. She has been keeping up with me in my posts and sent me a message saying how she knows what I am going through. That she is in the same boat. That I was encouraging her to get on track with life. It was funny cause she mentioned weight issues being in the family being genetic. I always knew that in my good ol maiden name (West) family people dealt with it but didn't know to the extent that she and I were talking about it. It was so refreshing to hear that she knew what I was struggling with and she knew the pain of trying to fight it. As I have said before this is an "addiction." I told her that I think subconsciously I used the "genetics" card for a long while and just kept saying it was hopeless it's in my blood I'll never be the person I want to be. Then I realized that was that damn "lil monster" speaking to me again. I had to realize that I cannot and will not use that as an excuse. I can change. I will change. I will transform. Here is a shout to all of you that have it in "your blood" you can break free from it. You can change, you can do it, you can transform for the next generation!! :)

Transformation Nation

I woke up early this morning meaning 6:00am for most people that is probably not early but for me it is. I went to the Gym and workout!! Day 6 of getting up early and doing this. I know this is silly but we read in the paper yesterday Dr OZ 7 steps. He is titling it Dr Oz's transformation nation. In the paper it gave a lot of frightening statics about America and it's climbing obesity rate. Which I thought was astonishing because I thought we as a Nation have been getting better but I guess not. So he going to give a person a Millon dollars to transform their life. I am trying to do it. Not so much the million dollars but it sure is an awesome incentive to try to work up too. I don't want to be the one that lost weight because of a million dollars I want to lose weight because of a million reason. One biggest thing is I want to be young with my children. I was inspired today at the gym this morning by a lady that was probably between the age of 60-70 not sure but she was working out hard and I was like that is what I want to be when I get older I want to be that lady that has all the energy in the world to play with her grandkids and not have to be stuck to a wheel chair. I am young enough to change that now. So not even a million dollars will get me to be that. The only thing that will get me to be that is my own determination to succeed and damn it I am going to succeed. If I don't win the million dollars and I win the good health card to me that is a millon bucks. I want to live a long life. Unless of course God says otherwise. But I don't want to die because of my health I don't want to go down knowing that I died because she was fat and unhealthy. Here is too this journey that I am finally going to take back!! :) Thanks Desiree' May

PS Encouragement is always great thank you all!! :)

Lil Monster Be Kind

Like I've said many times I suck at blogging. I think of it often and I am like I should write that on my blog. So I have found so many things in my life to be hard and I would say this Journey of weight loss is so so so hard. I feel trapped sometimes and then other days I feel re-leaved that I can do something about it that I don't have to be trapped here for life. I think I started this blog like almost 2 years ago and I'm still not at my goal weight. I have found in the last several months that it is not about my goal weight nor is it about my weight in general. I found that I need to have something that motivates me to really really want to do it. It is consuming my thoughts daily. That is not a life to live to have a lil monster whispering voices in my head all day saying your fat, your ugly, your this your that. "You want that, You deserve it" "Hey you can't have that" "You will never be there" "You will never succeed" Why does it consume my thoughts? Why does this journey of life have to be so hard. I have lived with being overweight all my life pretty much. At least that is what I believed because others put that in my head. Again those lil monsters. I can re-call maybe my first memory of someone saying I was fat. I was playing on a basketball team I was in 6th grade and I can remember a gal charging at me with a ball and saying move it fatty. Those words were so hurtful. I loved the sport basketball. I loved it so much it was a way that I could escape life for awhile and just be on the court playing basketball. Then after hearing that I became very self conscience about myself on the court. I couldn't just play like I use to. I can remember looking at my basketball shorts which were a size medium and drawing a "S" on it to show that I was size "S" come on now I was only a freaking "M" that is not fat or is it? When did we decided that "M" was the next "XXL" if your not a "XS" or "S" your fat. I remember I was going in for a layup and that same gal was like watch out the hog is coming. I stopped and completely missed my shot. I could no longer play basketball just to have fun just to escape life. I became so aware of my body that was when my weight problems started to arise. I let one person speak that into my life that I became that. I still am that at times I definitely have come out of my shell is far as being confident. I think I am much more confident now even at the weight that I am now then what I was back then. I am just learning so much about myself on this journey. I am a new person I just want to be better. I want to be able to re-claim my spot on the court and be proud of my "M" size. I will I know I'll get there. I guess the quote "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" So wrong words stick to you for so long. Just remember this "If you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all." Now that is truth. :)