Lil Monster Be Kind

Like I've said many times I suck at blogging. I think of it often and I am like I should write that on my blog. So I have found so many things in my life to be hard and I would say this Journey of weight loss is so so so hard. I feel trapped sometimes and then other days I feel re-leaved that I can do something about it that I don't have to be trapped here for life. I think I started this blog like almost 2 years ago and I'm still not at my goal weight. I have found in the last several months that it is not about my goal weight nor is it about my weight in general. I found that I need to have something that motivates me to really really want to do it. It is consuming my thoughts daily. That is not a life to live to have a lil monster whispering voices in my head all day saying your fat, your ugly, your this your that. "You want that, You deserve it" "Hey you can't have that" "You will never be there" "You will never succeed" Why does it consume my thoughts? Why does this journey of life have to be so hard. I have lived with being overweight all my life pretty much. At least that is what I believed because others put that in my head. Again those lil monsters. I can re-call maybe my first memory of someone saying I was fat. I was playing on a basketball team I was in 6th grade and I can remember a gal charging at me with a ball and saying move it fatty. Those words were so hurtful. I loved the sport basketball. I loved it so much it was a way that I could escape life for awhile and just be on the court playing basketball. Then after hearing that I became very self conscience about myself on the court. I couldn't just play like I use to. I can remember looking at my basketball shorts which were a size medium and drawing a "S" on it to show that I was size "S" come on now I was only a freaking "M" that is not fat or is it? When did we decided that "M" was the next "XXL" if your not a "XS" or "S" your fat. I remember I was going in for a layup and that same gal was like watch out the hog is coming. I stopped and completely missed my shot. I could no longer play basketball just to have fun just to escape life. I became so aware of my body that was when my weight problems started to arise. I let one person speak that into my life that I became that. I still am that at times I definitely have come out of my shell is far as being confident. I think I am much more confident now even at the weight that I am now then what I was back then. I am just learning so much about myself on this journey. I am a new person I just want to be better. I want to be able to re-claim my spot on the court and be proud of my "M" size. I will I know I'll get there. I guess the quote "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" So wrong words stick to you for so long. Just remember this "If you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all." Now that is truth. :)

Mirror Mirror In The Room, Tell Me Tell Me

Wow I had quite an amazing morning actually. I've been doing the Zumba class here in Boise and I absolutely love it. I feel great except when they have all those mirrors around the room. WOW I went through the whole class then towards the end of the class I took a look at myself in the Mirror and sobbed uncontrollably. Thankfully no one saw me but I really was happy and went to straight sad. Here I am the person 4 years ago that lost a ton of weight and it slowly but quickly catching back up to me. I had a slight conversation with a friend on the phone and she asked how I was doing? You know what I couldn't hold it in anymore, I said to her I just hate that I struggle with my weight it consumes my thoughts probably 12 hrs a day. Why can't I just be happy with myself? I told her I just wish I could be happy with who I am. I love who I am personality wise but when I look at my body I am shocked. I HATE IT. I can honestly say that. I really am asking the Lord to release me from this addiction. What am I holding on to so much? I want a magic wand and just poof skinny Des. But what would that teach me right! I know I have to work hard at this. But I feel like I am completely alone in this challenge. I kind of envy my husband while I've been gaining weight he's been losing weight. Not on purpose by any means. He just has one of "Those metabolisms" but in reality he has control. I have no control, I mean I do but the mental control is exhausting sometimes. I am one day going to lose all my weight, I am one day going to beat this addiction. I am one day going to have Control. LORD give me all of this break me and mold me into the person you physically created me to be. I want to stop looking at people and wishing that I looked like them. I want to be happy with me physically. I want this but do I want it bad enough? As I type I feel like I want it bad enough but living my life out it sure doesn't seem like it. I guess it's kind of the same way as being a Christian. I want it when I am thinking about it, I want to live my life for Christ and only Christ but then I get stuck in the swamp and get all sticky and don't go after living my life for Christ. So Mirror Mirror on the wall, Tell Me Tell Me do I want it at all?

commitment and relatation???

This last week I've been thinking a lot about the dedication part. Have I started yes and no. Yes I am praying lots, no I'm not reading much. I actually just finished what I would call "junk TV" Friday Night Lights. Just last night I was speaking with my husband and I said after I'm finished watching the last season of Friday Night Lights I'll get to my reading the Bible. I laugh because shouldn't it be the other way? Shouldn't I desire the bible more than a stupid football tv drama deal. Well I think God overheard what I said last night because I woke up and I started my season and there was only 1 episode left and finished it and now I should be reading the Bible. Instead I'm on the computer writing about what I should be doing. LOL :) But on a serious factor I am going to read I have given up my tv watching habit.

Lately I've been praying that God will help me re-lactate for my little blessing Tristen. For all of you that don't know I couldn't produce enough milk for my Lil one and started giving him formula, then what supply I did have kind of dried up. Then I started on birth control and about a week later on the birth control all of a sudden I started to re-lactate! WOW I was amazed it wasn't like a full feeding by any means for Tristen but I was producing more. I went to my breastfeeding bunch and as that Lactation Consultant about it because I was in awe most woman when they get on birth control their milk supply will decrease expect me. I am the odd one out. :) So I've been praying hard that God would let me give Tristen a full supply. Then I heard a word. "Commitment" yuck lately I don't do well at committing. For this month I am going to through the re lactation process that means a lot of time and commitment. I told my husband last night that I want to do this to show that I can be dedicated and committed to something. Even if I don't get a full supply of milk for my Lil blessing. I know that I was obedient to what God wants me to do. To pick something and be full heartily be committed to it. So here is the plan. I am going to start reading The Bible, Praying for a miracle that I can produce a full supply of milk for Tristen, and pumping, feeding, pumping, pumping every two hours in the day for a month.

Please pray that I can commit to this! Like I said it's not about me being able to have a full supply of milk but being able to commit to something longer than a week. If I can do this I believe that God will bring me closer to my ultimate goal which is to lose my freakin weight and be happy with who I am and who God truly created me to be. Thank You

Disciplined

All my life I have heard you must be disciplined in order to do ____________. Or Desiree' you must have been really disciplined in order to get up every morning at 5:30am to go and pray and workout. Before I was quote "disciplined" I would think of this word as a bad word. Growing up I was disciplined for my actions. If I didn't do something an adult would say to do they would discipline me or punish me was the word I knew. We use the word discipline now to me more politically correct right? Well the actual definition of disciplined is:
1. "The training to act in accordance with rules; drill: military discipline."
2. "punishment inflicted by way of correction and training."
3. "activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training."

I believe you are either born naturally disciplined or you have to be taught to be disciplined. One memory I can remember being truly disciplined was when I played school sports, If I wanted to play I had to follow a certain type of rule. Get good grades, go to practice, do what the coach says and then the reward was that you would be able to play a certain amount of time in the actual game. This type of discipline was great! You always had a reward at the end of something you worked hard for. But most of my growing up life I saw the word or experience the word disciplined differently I saw it as the definition #2. Punishment, inflicted. I even began punishing myself if I could not succeed at something that I was trying to succeed at or was asked to do. This is where I believe I got my people pleasing personality.

You're probably asking why is she writing about disciplined what does this have to do with her journey? Well it has a lot to do with it. In the last couple of weeks that I have been trying to be do this PRISM weight loss I've found myself not succeeding at it. The PRISM calls out that you must not eat anything with added sugar or sugar in it and also no white flour stay away from the carbs and also staying within a certain amount of calories. Which if you've been keeping up with my blog you know that I am very addicted to the sugar and carbs. One early morning while feeding my son Tristen I was looking at him and wondering where in my early childhood or when did I become so dependent on food for my emotions. When did I go from being fed to what I needed for my body to consuming more than I needed. Why can't I just be disciplined enough not to eat ___________. Or why does my stomache always feel empty when I know caloric-ally I have what I need to survive but it's not good enough for me.
I realized since I got pregnant I threw all my disciplined things out. I would always pray daily, I would run daily, I would sleep and wake up at the same time for the most part, I had a schedule that I would attain and I was very happy. For some odd reason when I became pregnant I lost all that, I was very tired all the time and not to mention Cooper and I moving to Boise and I had a whole different setting. A lot of change went on. Realistically I became fearful of the new situation I was in and threw all my good habits away and curled up into a dark cave and stayed there up until I recently had Tristen.

I realized that I need to be disciplined again. So these last couple of weeks I've tried to throw everything back in, but I've failed. I realized then that I was trying to do much at the same time that I would become overwhelmed and just fail at everything versus trying really hard to succeed at one thing first. So here it is. I am writing a list of things that I would like to start doing again but I am only going to do 1 thing and then add another once I am able to succeed at the first thing and keep it going. Then I started thinking well what should I do first or what would I want to do first. Here is my list
1. Pray/Read daily for a consistent 6wks with no day off and then continue this after
2. Start my exercise routine: Video exercise/walking/jogging/running 3 miles at least 3x a week for 6wks and continue this once I succeed this
3.Get rid of sugar/flour in my diet, stay away from sweets and flour for 6wks.

There is more to my list of what I would like to be disciplined in but for now I feel like these are my most important ones. So starting this week starting today for 6 whole weeks I am going to commit to praying and reading scripture and asking God to follow me on this journey. Wish me luck. I belive this is going to help me so much.

Deprived or Disciplined

So since really starting this journey I have always been saying to myself I have to be disciplined. But quite honestly today and yesterday I have felt deprived. Deprived that I can't eat what others are able to eat. It's such a matter of mind over matter. Why is it so hard to follow through with things, why can't a simple carrot taste as good to me as a freakin bowl of ice-cream? I am going crazy here. Maybe because it is day 4 without any refined sugar or white flour and I am detoxing. Yes I used the word detox, I am an addict to food to really good food or I guess in this case not so good for you food. I am doing this diet called PRISM and it has a daily reading and it's to help me change my attitude towards food. Well my attitude in last four days as been jealousy, anger and frustration. Questioning myself am I ever going to be able to have a freaking slice of cake with self-control. Am I ever going to be able to have self-control at all? Much like an alcoholic am I just going to have to stay away from all this good tasting stuff for life? Am I ever going to be able to feel satisfied with my life change? I sure hope so. I actually know that I can. I just don't see it this second of this minute. Today is hard I am feeling dizzy, sick, and really shaky. I really truly am an addict coming off of a drug; drug of choice sugar.

As I am writing this I have found that this journey is not about losing weight in numbers, it's not about feeling all skinny and fabulous granted this is all plus things. But for me it's an emotional roller coaster. It's figuring out my life in the past and present and figuring out why I choose to eat the way I eat. Do I not have respect for myself? Do I not think I am worth it? Do I really only think that I am only good enough for a freaking doughnut and not those amazing organic expensive vegetables? Am I not worth what God has made? God did not create doughnuts, he made vegetables from the ground to give us the essential vitamins to put in our bodies to be able to grow into mature people. Instead I have felt that I am putting junk in my body and growing into a weed. I shouldn't feel deprived of this I should feel relieved that God has given us better food for us don't I deserve this? Up front realistically I know what is good for me, I know what is healthy for me. But there are many time I feel worthless so what do I do I grab worthless items and stick it in my mouth. I need to break this and I am now walking that journey to defeat my emotions and to defeat my guilt. I am going to conquer this enemy!!!

My reading today
Ephesians 5:15-17 "Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is."
Psalm 56:12-13 "I will surely do what I have promised, Lord, and thank you for your help. For you have saved me from death and my feet from slipping, so that I can walk before the Lord in the land of the living."

This I do promise Lord whatever it takes I will defeat and conquer this. Thanks Desiree' May :)

Can't blame anyone but yourself

Wow again I really suck at this whole blogging thing, but just so you know I haven't given up on my journey. I realized the title of my blog is 50lbs seems so far... Now it's more like 70lbs seems so far. Yes I have gained weight... but all in good behavior we had our baby. Tristen Jerome McCann he was born on February 9th, 2011. I can't believe he is going to be 2 months soon. It goes by so fast. In all of this hectic crazy learning to be a mommy thing, I started to forget about myself. I actually became a little depressed because I lost who I was again and now have to figure out what Desiree' looks or is as a mommy now. I have found that I am definitely a emotional eater. Since I have had my little guy it seemed all I was craving was sweets, sweets, sweets. Not okay when your already over-weight. Well I gave into my cravings daily and gained 10lbs in the last two months, I lost the instant baby weight, but have not lost anything else. So I am sucking it up and as of yesterday started my diet called PRISM, it's great because it involves doing daily devotions which I love and holding myself accountable. I also am going to a group weekly that meets and holds one another accountable to the program. It's kind of like weight watchers but it's a faith based diet. (Which is who I am) The only thing that motivates me is the LORD!! I can't do this alone, I need him to help me.

I found myself feeling guilty because I am unable to breastfeed. So the first month of being a mom was rough, i became very stressed and started packing my emotions with food instead of talking them out with the people that love and support me. So this is why I've titled the blog the way it is. I can't blame anyone, but myself for over indulging in food. I am no longer blaming anyone but myself for the weight gain. So here I go. Restarting and going to do whatever it takes to lose this weight before baby #2. Thank You!! :)

Wow what a Journey! "LIFE"

So again I've never said I would be the best blogger in the world but I kind of suck at the whole blogging thing, keeping it updated and such! Well what has happened since the last time I wrote!! A whole lot of stuff!! I did run my 5K all the way back in June and it was a fun experience. I didn't do as well as I thought but that is ok,,, there is a reason for that but I'll tell you about that later on in this statement of life. Since then a lot has happened Cooper (My wonderful amazing Husband) was able to get a job but sadly not in Montana but in Boise Idaho. He had to move there at the end of March and I stayed behind to finish up my work in Big Sky Montana to the end of June or something like that. As Cooper was gone I was still on my weight journey trying to lose weight and eat healthier and I feel like I was doing a pretty good job. It was a lot easier to eat healthy without him there for some reason. I lost 10lbs which was alright but nothing to extravagant in my eyes.
Cooper was able to come visit me in May and we ended up with our newest addition in our family our "Wimerainer puppy Raea" I pretty much had to beg Cooper for the dog and he finally gave in to it. By the way he loves his puppy! Then he had to leave again until I was ready to move back with him. On June 19th I found out that I was pregnant and that Cooper and I were going to be parents. I was going to wait to tell him on June 20th because that was Father's Day but I was so excited that I couldn't wait. I had to call him and tell him which was a bummer but life goes on right? So let's just say for the next few months we were heading into a lot of change. Moving from friends and family, expecting a lil McCann in February. This is where I want to blame my soon to be child for my not so great run in the 5K. I was literally pregnant as I was running and had no idea, there was a reason why I felt so dizzy as I was running that whole time and why I was so exhausted because my body was preparing for a lil baby!

Now it's December and I haven't written well over 7months now! Cooper and I are very excited and can't wait for our little guy to come into this world!! Or wait yes we can wait!! :) I am not due until February 20th but that feels to me just around the corner. My little guy Tristen Jerome has been kicking me like crazy I love it! He knows my voice and his daddy's voice now it's so sweet. So needless to say my Journey for the weight loss has stopped for now, but I am taking good care of myself for both myself and Tristen. I have gained this far only 16lbs and I only have 2 1/2 months left so this is good. I have expressed to my doctor how fearful I was gaining all the pregnancy weight after losing so much already and still feeling like I was not done losing. My doctor gave me a good weight amount to gain and I am trying to stick to that. I think it is all by the Grace of our God that I haven't gained a lot and I think the Lord knows how important this is to me. So thank you to my biggest fan My Heavenly Father!! So after our little one comes I will be getting back to my routine of losing weight and enjoying the journey!!