Wow can I just say Thank you to you all who have prayed for us. In just these few last week things have really started to look up. Cooper has a job (temporarily) but perfect timing with work and for him to go to school. God had that planned all along. I am still struggling with the thought of this pregnancy but day to day it get's better. Cooper and I have been able to really just sit and talk and our relationship is getting better (not that it was awful or anything) it was just hard for him not to be doing or providing as he would say. The church we are attending Connect in Belgrade is just completely amazing and inspirational. Spiritually I am doing lots better. I think the hardest thing for me right now is so much solitude for me but it's also been quite amazing. I don't have much to say but I just wanted to let you all know that. Hope is in the McCann clan and that we are thriving to be better at everything God has called us too. Thank you for all your prayers and please don't stop. Again thank you!! :)
Desiree' May
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
A New Beginning...Feeling Hopeless
This I am beginning to see is not a blog about weight loss as much as it is a journey of my life. I stepped back and read a few of my past blogs and began feeling hopeless about all of this. I have struggled way to long with this stupid battle of weight. I think about several times a day. But this today is not about my weight it about this journey we all call life. Ok my life currently in right now. As I was reading through status on the wonderful social media of facebook I kept seeing people say 2012 is going to be good, it's going to be great!! At church today our Pastor even said the same kind of response. Well as I am an individual for me I felt like it's going to be one of the biggest years that I battle with. In my marriage, in being a mom, in finding myself, in continuing to lose weight, in confidence, fears, emotions. Now I am not trying to speak of my future but this is what I feel right now. HOPELESS.
Out situation isn't the greatest right now but I keep trying to mask on the Christian face and I keep telling myself I should see this as a blessing, I should see the good in this all. By "this all I mean" the end of 2011 sucked for me.
1. Cooper was fired from his job with no rhyme or reason what so ever.
2. We moved back to Montana from Boise because family is comfort in hard times (Blessing)
3. We currently live in a very tiny home (500 ft) in Pony MT population: Ghost town of 300 or less. (Now this is a Blessing also because we are fortunate to have a roof over our head and warmth and my mother in law is not charging us a dime I see this as a blessing for sure but I am struggling big time in this.)
4. I feel that my husband and I are growing apart. (Set in depression I am sure)
5. Cooper found out he is not allowed to collect unemployment because he was fired, but he is fighting this. (So pray hard please)
6. I am no longer losing weight as I found out that I am pregnant. Yes you read that right I am pregnant. Unplanned pregnancy right here. This is probably the hardest thing for me to deal with right now because I am not a joyful parent finding out that I am pregnant. I feel that it is completely wrong timing. The baby will be due August 13th. Then I will be a mother of two children who are 18months apart and it is freaking me out!!! (I do know that God has a plan for us and that his timing his the best even if I am blind to seeing it)
7. I feel more lonely that I have ever ever felt in my life. (Maybe it's the hormones, but it is what I feel right now)
8. I hate putting on a fake smile to pretend that everything is alright.
9. I am still dealing with an emotional loss of a friend (meaning we are no longer friends because of our mess ups with each other. But I am trying to be that Christian friend that will not give up on the relationship because if I do then I must be weak, cold hearted, careless)
10. BIGGEST thing right now is feeling like I'm living in Silence with my heavenly Father. I seem to feel that I can't hear him no longer.
11. Found out that a family member of mine is going to have to go to treatment because of yet another addiction in our family tree.
As I write this I begin to see some of these as not a real serious life threatening thing but others I really see as an attack on my life. I know I know it could be worse right? Wrong! This I feel is my worst and maybe it's just this moment in time but man I don't know if I can take anymore falls lately.
It is 4:43am. I have been up for a couple of hours now. There is Peace I can see it I just don't know when it is coming and that is what is probably driving me to these emotions is not knowing the future right now. At the same time I am glad I don't know. So back to my number 10. I began to talking to God in the wee hours of this morning and I just couldn't decipher if it was myself talking to me or not. Then I became distracted by my smartphone and saw the social media sign calling my name. Good ol Facebook the big White and Blue F... Who says God doesn't speak through facebook and uses his children to speak. I was reading a status Kate Frank's status (now Kate and I have only met a couple of times through the Boise Vineyard and she is wonderful child of God) She posted this bible verse.
Isiah 43:16
"I am the Lord, who opened a way through the waters, making a dry path through the sea. "But forget all that- it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."
This is what I am ending with. WOW and I was doubting The Heavenly Father! I am in the perfect arms of my savior. Thank You JESUS!!!
P.S. If you'd like to pray please pray for my list there of oh pitty me's. Because I do need it!
Love Desiree' May a daughter, princess of Christ!! :)
Out situation isn't the greatest right now but I keep trying to mask on the Christian face and I keep telling myself I should see this as a blessing, I should see the good in this all. By "this all I mean" the end of 2011 sucked for me.
1. Cooper was fired from his job with no rhyme or reason what so ever.
2. We moved back to Montana from Boise because family is comfort in hard times (Blessing)
3. We currently live in a very tiny home (500 ft) in Pony MT population: Ghost town of 300 or less. (Now this is a Blessing also because we are fortunate to have a roof over our head and warmth and my mother in law is not charging us a dime I see this as a blessing for sure but I am struggling big time in this.)
4. I feel that my husband and I are growing apart. (Set in depression I am sure)
5. Cooper found out he is not allowed to collect unemployment because he was fired, but he is fighting this. (So pray hard please)
6. I am no longer losing weight as I found out that I am pregnant. Yes you read that right I am pregnant. Unplanned pregnancy right here. This is probably the hardest thing for me to deal with right now because I am not a joyful parent finding out that I am pregnant. I feel that it is completely wrong timing. The baby will be due August 13th. Then I will be a mother of two children who are 18months apart and it is freaking me out!!! (I do know that God has a plan for us and that his timing his the best even if I am blind to seeing it)
7. I feel more lonely that I have ever ever felt in my life. (Maybe it's the hormones, but it is what I feel right now)
8. I hate putting on a fake smile to pretend that everything is alright.
9. I am still dealing with an emotional loss of a friend (meaning we are no longer friends because of our mess ups with each other. But I am trying to be that Christian friend that will not give up on the relationship because if I do then I must be weak, cold hearted, careless)
10. BIGGEST thing right now is feeling like I'm living in Silence with my heavenly Father. I seem to feel that I can't hear him no longer.
11. Found out that a family member of mine is going to have to go to treatment because of yet another addiction in our family tree.
As I write this I begin to see some of these as not a real serious life threatening thing but others I really see as an attack on my life. I know I know it could be worse right? Wrong! This I feel is my worst and maybe it's just this moment in time but man I don't know if I can take anymore falls lately.
It is 4:43am. I have been up for a couple of hours now. There is Peace I can see it I just don't know when it is coming and that is what is probably driving me to these emotions is not knowing the future right now. At the same time I am glad I don't know. So back to my number 10. I began to talking to God in the wee hours of this morning and I just couldn't decipher if it was myself talking to me or not. Then I became distracted by my smartphone and saw the social media sign calling my name. Good ol Facebook the big White and Blue F... Who says God doesn't speak through facebook and uses his children to speak. I was reading a status Kate Frank's status (now Kate and I have only met a couple of times through the Boise Vineyard and she is wonderful child of God) She posted this bible verse.
Isiah 43:16
"I am the Lord, who opened a way through the waters, making a dry path through the sea. "But forget all that- it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."
This is what I am ending with. WOW and I was doubting The Heavenly Father! I am in the perfect arms of my savior. Thank You JESUS!!!
P.S. If you'd like to pray please pray for my list there of oh pitty me's. Because I do need it!
Love Desiree' May a daughter, princess of Christ!! :)
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