This last week I've been thinking a lot about the dedication part. Have I started yes and no. Yes I am praying lots, no I'm not reading much. I actually just finished what I would call "junk TV" Friday Night Lights. Just last night I was speaking with my husband and I said after I'm finished watching the last season of Friday Night Lights I'll get to my reading the Bible. I laugh because shouldn't it be the other way? Shouldn't I desire the bible more than a stupid football tv drama deal. Well I think God overheard what I said last night because I woke up and I started my season and there was only 1 episode left and finished it and now I should be reading the Bible. Instead I'm on the computer writing about what I should be doing. LOL :) But on a serious factor I am going to read I have given up my tv watching habit.
Lately I've been praying that God will help me re-lactate for my little blessing Tristen. For all of you that don't know I couldn't produce enough milk for my Lil one and started giving him formula, then what supply I did have kind of dried up. Then I started on birth control and about a week later on the birth control all of a sudden I started to re-lactate! WOW I was amazed it wasn't like a full feeding by any means for Tristen but I was producing more. I went to my breastfeeding bunch and as that Lactation Consultant about it because I was in awe most woman when they get on birth control their milk supply will decrease expect me. I am the odd one out. :) So I've been praying hard that God would let me give Tristen a full supply. Then I heard a word. "Commitment" yuck lately I don't do well at committing. For this month I am going to through the re lactation process that means a lot of time and commitment. I told my husband last night that I want to do this to show that I can be dedicated and committed to something. Even if I don't get a full supply of milk for my Lil blessing. I know that I was obedient to what God wants me to do. To pick something and be full heartily be committed to it. So here is the plan. I am going to start reading The Bible, Praying for a miracle that I can produce a full supply of milk for Tristen, and pumping, feeding, pumping, pumping every two hours in the day for a month.
Please pray that I can commit to this! Like I said it's not about me being able to have a full supply of milk but being able to commit to something longer than a week. If I can do this I believe that God will bring me closer to my ultimate goal which is to lose my freakin weight and be happy with who I am and who God truly created me to be. Thank You
Friday, April 22, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
Disciplined
All my life I have heard you must be disciplined in order to do ____________. Or Desiree' you must have been really disciplined in order to get up every morning at 5:30am to go and pray and workout. Before I was quote "disciplined" I would think of this word as a bad word. Growing up I was disciplined for my actions. If I didn't do something an adult would say to do they would discipline me or punish me was the word I knew. We use the word discipline now to me more politically correct right? Well the actual definition of disciplined is:
1. "The training to act in accordance with rules; drill: military discipline."
2. "punishment inflicted by way of correction and training."
3. "activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training."
I believe you are either born naturally disciplined or you have to be taught to be disciplined. One memory I can remember being truly disciplined was when I played school sports, If I wanted to play I had to follow a certain type of rule. Get good grades, go to practice, do what the coach says and then the reward was that you would be able to play a certain amount of time in the actual game. This type of discipline was great! You always had a reward at the end of something you worked hard for. But most of my growing up life I saw the word or experience the word disciplined differently I saw it as the definition #2. Punishment, inflicted. I even began punishing myself if I could not succeed at something that I was trying to succeed at or was asked to do. This is where I believe I got my people pleasing personality.
You're probably asking why is she writing about disciplined what does this have to do with her journey? Well it has a lot to do with it. In the last couple of weeks that I have been trying to be do this PRISM weight loss I've found myself not succeeding at it. The PRISM calls out that you must not eat anything with added sugar or sugar in it and also no white flour stay away from the carbs and also staying within a certain amount of calories. Which if you've been keeping up with my blog you know that I am very addicted to the sugar and carbs. One early morning while feeding my son Tristen I was looking at him and wondering where in my early childhood or when did I become so dependent on food for my emotions. When did I go from being fed to what I needed for my body to consuming more than I needed. Why can't I just be disciplined enough not to eat ___________. Or why does my stomache always feel empty when I know caloric-ally I have what I need to survive but it's not good enough for me.
I realized since I got pregnant I threw all my disciplined things out. I would always pray daily, I would run daily, I would sleep and wake up at the same time for the most part, I had a schedule that I would attain and I was very happy. For some odd reason when I became pregnant I lost all that, I was very tired all the time and not to mention Cooper and I moving to Boise and I had a whole different setting. A lot of change went on. Realistically I became fearful of the new situation I was in and threw all my good habits away and curled up into a dark cave and stayed there up until I recently had Tristen.
I realized that I need to be disciplined again. So these last couple of weeks I've tried to throw everything back in, but I've failed. I realized then that I was trying to do much at the same time that I would become overwhelmed and just fail at everything versus trying really hard to succeed at one thing first. So here it is. I am writing a list of things that I would like to start doing again but I am only going to do 1 thing and then add another once I am able to succeed at the first thing and keep it going. Then I started thinking well what should I do first or what would I want to do first. Here is my list
1. Pray/Read daily for a consistent 6wks with no day off and then continue this after
2. Start my exercise routine: Video exercise/walking/jogging/running 3 miles at least 3x a week for 6wks and continue this once I succeed this
3.Get rid of sugar/flour in my diet, stay away from sweets and flour for 6wks.
There is more to my list of what I would like to be disciplined in but for now I feel like these are my most important ones. So starting this week starting today for 6 whole weeks I am going to commit to praying and reading scripture and asking God to follow me on this journey. Wish me luck. I belive this is going to help me so much.
1. "The training to act in accordance with rules; drill: military discipline."
2. "punishment inflicted by way of correction and training."
3. "activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training."
I believe you are either born naturally disciplined or you have to be taught to be disciplined. One memory I can remember being truly disciplined was when I played school sports, If I wanted to play I had to follow a certain type of rule. Get good grades, go to practice, do what the coach says and then the reward was that you would be able to play a certain amount of time in the actual game. This type of discipline was great! You always had a reward at the end of something you worked hard for. But most of my growing up life I saw the word or experience the word disciplined differently I saw it as the definition #2. Punishment, inflicted. I even began punishing myself if I could not succeed at something that I was trying to succeed at or was asked to do. This is where I believe I got my people pleasing personality.
You're probably asking why is she writing about disciplined what does this have to do with her journey? Well it has a lot to do with it. In the last couple of weeks that I have been trying to be do this PRISM weight loss I've found myself not succeeding at it. The PRISM calls out that you must not eat anything with added sugar or sugar in it and also no white flour stay away from the carbs and also staying within a certain amount of calories. Which if you've been keeping up with my blog you know that I am very addicted to the sugar and carbs. One early morning while feeding my son Tristen I was looking at him and wondering where in my early childhood or when did I become so dependent on food for my emotions. When did I go from being fed to what I needed for my body to consuming more than I needed. Why can't I just be disciplined enough not to eat ___________. Or why does my stomache always feel empty when I know caloric-ally I have what I need to survive but it's not good enough for me.
I realized since I got pregnant I threw all my disciplined things out. I would always pray daily, I would run daily, I would sleep and wake up at the same time for the most part, I had a schedule that I would attain and I was very happy. For some odd reason when I became pregnant I lost all that, I was very tired all the time and not to mention Cooper and I moving to Boise and I had a whole different setting. A lot of change went on. Realistically I became fearful of the new situation I was in and threw all my good habits away and curled up into a dark cave and stayed there up until I recently had Tristen.
I realized that I need to be disciplined again. So these last couple of weeks I've tried to throw everything back in, but I've failed. I realized then that I was trying to do much at the same time that I would become overwhelmed and just fail at everything versus trying really hard to succeed at one thing first. So here it is. I am writing a list of things that I would like to start doing again but I am only going to do 1 thing and then add another once I am able to succeed at the first thing and keep it going. Then I started thinking well what should I do first or what would I want to do first. Here is my list
1. Pray/Read daily for a consistent 6wks with no day off and then continue this after
2. Start my exercise routine: Video exercise/walking/jogging/running 3 miles at least 3x a week for 6wks and continue this once I succeed this
3.Get rid of sugar/flour in my diet, stay away from sweets and flour for 6wks.
There is more to my list of what I would like to be disciplined in but for now I feel like these are my most important ones. So starting this week starting today for 6 whole weeks I am going to commit to praying and reading scripture and asking God to follow me on this journey. Wish me luck. I belive this is going to help me so much.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Deprived or Disciplined
So since really starting this journey I have always been saying to myself I have to be disciplined. But quite honestly today and yesterday I have felt deprived. Deprived that I can't eat what others are able to eat. It's such a matter of mind over matter. Why is it so hard to follow through with things, why can't a simple carrot taste as good to me as a freakin bowl of ice-cream? I am going crazy here. Maybe because it is day 4 without any refined sugar or white flour and I am detoxing. Yes I used the word detox, I am an addict to food to really good food or I guess in this case not so good for you food. I am doing this diet called PRISM and it has a daily reading and it's to help me change my attitude towards food. Well my attitude in last four days as been jealousy, anger and frustration. Questioning myself am I ever going to be able to have a freaking slice of cake with self-control. Am I ever going to be able to have self-control at all? Much like an alcoholic am I just going to have to stay away from all this good tasting stuff for life? Am I ever going to be able to feel satisfied with my life change? I sure hope so. I actually know that I can. I just don't see it this second of this minute. Today is hard I am feeling dizzy, sick, and really shaky. I really truly am an addict coming off of a drug; drug of choice sugar.
As I am writing this I have found that this journey is not about losing weight in numbers, it's not about feeling all skinny and fabulous granted this is all plus things. But for me it's an emotional roller coaster. It's figuring out my life in the past and present and figuring out why I choose to eat the way I eat. Do I not have respect for myself? Do I not think I am worth it? Do I really only think that I am only good enough for a freaking doughnut and not those amazing organic expensive vegetables? Am I not worth what God has made? God did not create doughnuts, he made vegetables from the ground to give us the essential vitamins to put in our bodies to be able to grow into mature people. Instead I have felt that I am putting junk in my body and growing into a weed. I shouldn't feel deprived of this I should feel relieved that God has given us better food for us don't I deserve this? Up front realistically I know what is good for me, I know what is healthy for me. But there are many time I feel worthless so what do I do I grab worthless items and stick it in my mouth. I need to break this and I am now walking that journey to defeat my emotions and to defeat my guilt. I am going to conquer this enemy!!!
My reading today
Ephesians 5:15-17 "Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is."
Psalm 56:12-13 "I will surely do what I have promised, Lord, and thank you for your help. For you have saved me from death and my feet from slipping, so that I can walk before the Lord in the land of the living."
This I do promise Lord whatever it takes I will defeat and conquer this. Thanks Desiree' May :)
As I am writing this I have found that this journey is not about losing weight in numbers, it's not about feeling all skinny and fabulous granted this is all plus things. But for me it's an emotional roller coaster. It's figuring out my life in the past and present and figuring out why I choose to eat the way I eat. Do I not have respect for myself? Do I not think I am worth it? Do I really only think that I am only good enough for a freaking doughnut and not those amazing organic expensive vegetables? Am I not worth what God has made? God did not create doughnuts, he made vegetables from the ground to give us the essential vitamins to put in our bodies to be able to grow into mature people. Instead I have felt that I am putting junk in my body and growing into a weed. I shouldn't feel deprived of this I should feel relieved that God has given us better food for us don't I deserve this? Up front realistically I know what is good for me, I know what is healthy for me. But there are many time I feel worthless so what do I do I grab worthless items and stick it in my mouth. I need to break this and I am now walking that journey to defeat my emotions and to defeat my guilt. I am going to conquer this enemy!!!
My reading today
Ephesians 5:15-17 "Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is."
Psalm 56:12-13 "I will surely do what I have promised, Lord, and thank you for your help. For you have saved me from death and my feet from slipping, so that I can walk before the Lord in the land of the living."
This I do promise Lord whatever it takes I will defeat and conquer this. Thanks Desiree' May :)
Monday, April 4, 2011
Can't blame anyone but yourself
Wow again I really suck at this whole blogging thing, but just so you know I haven't given up on my journey. I realized the title of my blog is 50lbs seems so far... Now it's more like 70lbs seems so far. Yes I have gained weight... but all in good behavior we had our baby. Tristen Jerome McCann he was born on February 9th, 2011. I can't believe he is going to be 2 months soon. It goes by so fast. In all of this hectic crazy learning to be a mommy thing, I started to forget about myself. I actually became a little depressed because I lost who I was again and now have to figure out what Desiree' looks or is as a mommy now. I have found that I am definitely a emotional eater. Since I have had my little guy it seemed all I was craving was sweets, sweets, sweets. Not okay when your already over-weight. Well I gave into my cravings daily and gained 10lbs in the last two months, I lost the instant baby weight, but have not lost anything else. So I am sucking it up and as of yesterday started my diet called PRISM, it's great because it involves doing daily devotions which I love and holding myself accountable. I also am going to a group weekly that meets and holds one another accountable to the program. It's kind of like weight watchers but it's a faith based diet. (Which is who I am) The only thing that motivates me is the LORD!! I can't do this alone, I need him to help me.
I found myself feeling guilty because I am unable to breastfeed. So the first month of being a mom was rough, i became very stressed and started packing my emotions with food instead of talking them out with the people that love and support me. So this is why I've titled the blog the way it is. I can't blame anyone, but myself for over indulging in food. I am no longer blaming anyone but myself for the weight gain. So here I go. Restarting and going to do whatever it takes to lose this weight before baby #2. Thank You!! :)
I found myself feeling guilty because I am unable to breastfeed. So the first month of being a mom was rough, i became very stressed and started packing my emotions with food instead of talking them out with the people that love and support me. So this is why I've titled the blog the way it is. I can't blame anyone, but myself for over indulging in food. I am no longer blaming anyone but myself for the weight gain. So here I go. Restarting and going to do whatever it takes to lose this weight before baby #2. Thank You!! :)
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Wow what a Journey! "LIFE"
So again I've never said I would be the best blogger in the world but I kind of suck at the whole blogging thing, keeping it updated and such! Well what has happened since the last time I wrote!! A whole lot of stuff!! I did run my 5K all the way back in June and it was a fun experience. I didn't do as well as I thought but that is ok,,, there is a reason for that but I'll tell you about that later on in this statement of life. Since then a lot has happened Cooper (My wonderful amazing Husband) was able to get a job but sadly not in Montana but in Boise Idaho. He had to move there at the end of March and I stayed behind to finish up my work in Big Sky Montana to the end of June or something like that. As Cooper was gone I was still on my weight journey trying to lose weight and eat healthier and I feel like I was doing a pretty good job. It was a lot easier to eat healthy without him there for some reason. I lost 10lbs which was alright but nothing to extravagant in my eyes.
Cooper was able to come visit me in May and we ended up with our newest addition in our family our "Wimerainer puppy Raea" I pretty much had to beg Cooper for the dog and he finally gave in to it. By the way he loves his puppy! Then he had to leave again until I was ready to move back with him. On June 19th I found out that I was pregnant and that Cooper and I were going to be parents. I was going to wait to tell him on June 20th because that was Father's Day but I was so excited that I couldn't wait. I had to call him and tell him which was a bummer but life goes on right? So let's just say for the next few months we were heading into a lot of change. Moving from friends and family, expecting a lil McCann in February. This is where I want to blame my soon to be child for my not so great run in the 5K. I was literally pregnant as I was running and had no idea, there was a reason why I felt so dizzy as I was running that whole time and why I was so exhausted because my body was preparing for a lil baby!
Now it's December and I haven't written well over 7months now! Cooper and I are very excited and can't wait for our little guy to come into this world!! Or wait yes we can wait!! :) I am not due until February 20th but that feels to me just around the corner. My little guy Tristen Jerome has been kicking me like crazy I love it! He knows my voice and his daddy's voice now it's so sweet. So needless to say my Journey for the weight loss has stopped for now, but I am taking good care of myself for both myself and Tristen. I have gained this far only 16lbs and I only have 2 1/2 months left so this is good. I have expressed to my doctor how fearful I was gaining all the pregnancy weight after losing so much already and still feeling like I was not done losing. My doctor gave me a good weight amount to gain and I am trying to stick to that. I think it is all by the Grace of our God that I haven't gained a lot and I think the Lord knows how important this is to me. So thank you to my biggest fan My Heavenly Father!! So after our little one comes I will be getting back to my routine of losing weight and enjoying the journey!!
Cooper was able to come visit me in May and we ended up with our newest addition in our family our "Wimerainer puppy Raea" I pretty much had to beg Cooper for the dog and he finally gave in to it. By the way he loves his puppy! Then he had to leave again until I was ready to move back with him. On June 19th I found out that I was pregnant and that Cooper and I were going to be parents. I was going to wait to tell him on June 20th because that was Father's Day but I was so excited that I couldn't wait. I had to call him and tell him which was a bummer but life goes on right? So let's just say for the next few months we were heading into a lot of change. Moving from friends and family, expecting a lil McCann in February. This is where I want to blame my soon to be child for my not so great run in the 5K. I was literally pregnant as I was running and had no idea, there was a reason why I felt so dizzy as I was running that whole time and why I was so exhausted because my body was preparing for a lil baby!
Now it's December and I haven't written well over 7months now! Cooper and I are very excited and can't wait for our little guy to come into this world!! Or wait yes we can wait!! :) I am not due until February 20th but that feels to me just around the corner. My little guy Tristen Jerome has been kicking me like crazy I love it! He knows my voice and his daddy's voice now it's so sweet. So needless to say my Journey for the weight loss has stopped for now, but I am taking good care of myself for both myself and Tristen. I have gained this far only 16lbs and I only have 2 1/2 months left so this is good. I have expressed to my doctor how fearful I was gaining all the pregnancy weight after losing so much already and still feeling like I was not done losing. My doctor gave me a good weight amount to gain and I am trying to stick to that. I think it is all by the Grace of our God that I haven't gained a lot and I think the Lord knows how important this is to me. So thank you to my biggest fan My Heavenly Father!! So after our little one comes I will be getting back to my routine of losing weight and enjoying the journey!!
Monday, April 12, 2010
Wow I Suck
Ok wow I am not impressed of my blogging abilities. You want to know why I haven't been blogging because I really truly haven't been doing much to keep off the weight. I am now more confident about some things. I have a friend that is holding me accountable to my working out. If I could just have a very loud obnoxious beeper that would go off in my head every time I picked something bad up to eat... I think it would make the journey a lot easier.
Yesterday I was inspired by a couple of friends who I was driving with back from Idaho to Montana. I was mostly listening to the conversation and what came up was how we all feel horrible how we eat, how we always feel much better when we are active and eating healthy and how much work it takes to stay that way!! If life could be the other way around and we could be happy with just sitting on the couch eating a bag of chips and our calorie burning exercise would be our mouths going up and down from eating the bag of chips and we just burned 182 calories wouldn't life be so much easier? Well of course but what I have realized on the journey is that life is work. Life is hard. If we work hard then we are so much happier in the end results.
Another thing that I thought was very inspiring was hearing the conversation laid down as " I don't want to be in shape or look great because of society I want to be in shape because I want to do my ministry well, and if I'm not in shape that I will not be able to do my ministry in excellence." I want to strive for excellence in this area. So I'm getting off the couch and running a 5K June 6th. I am in the process of training now for it. I want to be healthy and active for Me!!
Yesterday I was inspired by a couple of friends who I was driving with back from Idaho to Montana. I was mostly listening to the conversation and what came up was how we all feel horrible how we eat, how we always feel much better when we are active and eating healthy and how much work it takes to stay that way!! If life could be the other way around and we could be happy with just sitting on the couch eating a bag of chips and our calorie burning exercise would be our mouths going up and down from eating the bag of chips and we just burned 182 calories wouldn't life be so much easier? Well of course but what I have realized on the journey is that life is work. Life is hard. If we work hard then we are so much happier in the end results.
Another thing that I thought was very inspiring was hearing the conversation laid down as " I don't want to be in shape or look great because of society I want to be in shape because I want to do my ministry well, and if I'm not in shape that I will not be able to do my ministry in excellence." I want to strive for excellence in this area. So I'm getting off the couch and running a 5K June 6th. I am in the process of training now for it. I want to be healthy and active for Me!!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Trials may be failures or failures may be trials!
So I know it's been a long long time since my last blog. I apologize for this. However the title of my blog is very appropriate to the way that I have been feeling. I think a lot of times I feel that when I am going through a trail then I feel like such a failure. I have been dealing with a lot of emotions lately with trying to lose weight and almost become obsessive about it that it becomes discouraging that I start saying to myself "I can start again on Monday." "I will start tomorrow." I wish it was just easy for me to lose weight. I wish I could just lose it all in one day. I realize that this is not realistic but I do wish it was much easier. I need to be able to encourage myself and become determined about this goal. I know it's realistic, I'm not setting to high standards, to put it to the truth, I just do not want to have to work that hard to get these results. Realistically I just wish I could push a magic button and I could just lose all of my weight. However, I do know that this is not realistic and that I need to be determined. Well here I come boot camp early in the morning. Signing out Desiree' :)
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