I keep finding myself thinking of life as a journey. I am sure many times we all do. I was looking over some of my older blogs and as much as this was suppose to be a weight loss journey it has kind of become a journey of my life throughout the last couple of years. (I'm not the best with keeping this consistent) I looked up the word journey and it is defined as: The act of traveling from one place to another, a trip. In the last couple of years I didn't plan on traveling from one place to another. I have traveled many places not necessarily physical places as I have done some of this but mostly through experiences.
My husband and I's 3rd year anniversary is coming up on the 16th of May and in just these short 3 years I have had a Journey I guess he would say we. But this blog is about me!! :) I have learned so much and still have a lot to learn about being a wife. For the 1st and 2nd year I was broken because I wasn't the normal wife that like to cook for my husband. As some of my friends do this for their husband. I actually am awful at this not cooking necessarily I just hate it so therefore I'm not passionate about it. I finally come to realization that my husband likes it and it's ok for him to cook. So we finally after almost 3years of battling this we have come to a compromise. If I plan what we are having do the shopping and have it set out ready my husband will do the physical cooking of it. :) Wow what a great idea huh.
Funny this wasn't suppose to really be about my husband and I but I guess we are one now for almost 3 years WOW! So the other journey that I have found myself is being a mom. I'm not going to boast or anything but I know this is what I was created for! I love it! It's truly the best job ever. I love my lil guy so much it hurts as I am sure most moms and dads can relate. One of the first things I remember when Tristen entered into our world on February 9th, 2011 at 9:15 is thinking of the instant love I had for him. I have even developed this relationship with him other than carrying him for 9months I guess. I would define this love as unconditional love. Which is defined as an affection without any limitations. This is when it really connected for me!
Is our Heavenly Father how much he loves us unconditionally. I began to think of this feeling I have for Tristen and began to cry if I love my son truly this much, then my Heavenly Father loves me so much more! WOW can you believe this? I am going to say that again. My Heavenly Father Loves me so much more than I love my own son. It's kind of unfathomable for me to even think about, but I am.
I guess now I have to start working on this with myself. To love me. I know I am loved by so many people and I love so many people, but I don't think I have truly learned to love myself. I think we are taught as Christian to be selfless and not selfish and I believe as I have tried to walk through this I am still a very selfish person! I am going to try a lot harder to truly believe that my Father Loves me more than I love my own son. That I can love myself and begin on this journey of become less selfish and become selfless. Thank you all who have loved me unconditionally you are loved too! :)
I am going to leave with a few versus here that I found on love. There is a lot so I just chose a few! I hope and pray that you know that you are loved so deeply by our heavenly Father! Please take these versus and write them down or print them out and paste them all over your room/house so you begin to truly know that you are loved. :)
Romans 5:8 ESV
But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
1Corinthians 13:1-13 ESV
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; ...
1 John 4:16 ESV
So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.
Romans 5:5 ESV
And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Isaiah 49:15-16 ESV
“Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me.
Jeremiah 31:3 ESV
The Lord appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Prayer is powerful
Wow can I just say Thank you to you all who have prayed for us. In just these few last week things have really started to look up. Cooper has a job (temporarily) but perfect timing with work and for him to go to school. God had that planned all along. I am still struggling with the thought of this pregnancy but day to day it get's better. Cooper and I have been able to really just sit and talk and our relationship is getting better (not that it was awful or anything) it was just hard for him not to be doing or providing as he would say. The church we are attending Connect in Belgrade is just completely amazing and inspirational. Spiritually I am doing lots better. I think the hardest thing for me right now is so much solitude for me but it's also been quite amazing. I don't have much to say but I just wanted to let you all know that. Hope is in the McCann clan and that we are thriving to be better at everything God has called us too. Thank you for all your prayers and please don't stop. Again thank you!! :)
Desiree' May
Desiree' May
Monday, January 2, 2012
A New Beginning...Feeling Hopeless
This I am beginning to see is not a blog about weight loss as much as it is a journey of my life. I stepped back and read a few of my past blogs and began feeling hopeless about all of this. I have struggled way to long with this stupid battle of weight. I think about several times a day. But this today is not about my weight it about this journey we all call life. Ok my life currently in right now. As I was reading through status on the wonderful social media of facebook I kept seeing people say 2012 is going to be good, it's going to be great!! At church today our Pastor even said the same kind of response. Well as I am an individual for me I felt like it's going to be one of the biggest years that I battle with. In my marriage, in being a mom, in finding myself, in continuing to lose weight, in confidence, fears, emotions. Now I am not trying to speak of my future but this is what I feel right now. HOPELESS.
Out situation isn't the greatest right now but I keep trying to mask on the Christian face and I keep telling myself I should see this as a blessing, I should see the good in this all. By "this all I mean" the end of 2011 sucked for me.
1. Cooper was fired from his job with no rhyme or reason what so ever.
2. We moved back to Montana from Boise because family is comfort in hard times (Blessing)
3. We currently live in a very tiny home (500 ft) in Pony MT population: Ghost town of 300 or less. (Now this is a Blessing also because we are fortunate to have a roof over our head and warmth and my mother in law is not charging us a dime I see this as a blessing for sure but I am struggling big time in this.)
4. I feel that my husband and I are growing apart. (Set in depression I am sure)
5. Cooper found out he is not allowed to collect unemployment because he was fired, but he is fighting this. (So pray hard please)
6. I am no longer losing weight as I found out that I am pregnant. Yes you read that right I am pregnant. Unplanned pregnancy right here. This is probably the hardest thing for me to deal with right now because I am not a joyful parent finding out that I am pregnant. I feel that it is completely wrong timing. The baby will be due August 13th. Then I will be a mother of two children who are 18months apart and it is freaking me out!!! (I do know that God has a plan for us and that his timing his the best even if I am blind to seeing it)
7. I feel more lonely that I have ever ever felt in my life. (Maybe it's the hormones, but it is what I feel right now)
8. I hate putting on a fake smile to pretend that everything is alright.
9. I am still dealing with an emotional loss of a friend (meaning we are no longer friends because of our mess ups with each other. But I am trying to be that Christian friend that will not give up on the relationship because if I do then I must be weak, cold hearted, careless)
10. BIGGEST thing right now is feeling like I'm living in Silence with my heavenly Father. I seem to feel that I can't hear him no longer.
11. Found out that a family member of mine is going to have to go to treatment because of yet another addiction in our family tree.
As I write this I begin to see some of these as not a real serious life threatening thing but others I really see as an attack on my life. I know I know it could be worse right? Wrong! This I feel is my worst and maybe it's just this moment in time but man I don't know if I can take anymore falls lately.
It is 4:43am. I have been up for a couple of hours now. There is Peace I can see it I just don't know when it is coming and that is what is probably driving me to these emotions is not knowing the future right now. At the same time I am glad I don't know. So back to my number 10. I began to talking to God in the wee hours of this morning and I just couldn't decipher if it was myself talking to me or not. Then I became distracted by my smartphone and saw the social media sign calling my name. Good ol Facebook the big White and Blue F... Who says God doesn't speak through facebook and uses his children to speak. I was reading a status Kate Frank's status (now Kate and I have only met a couple of times through the Boise Vineyard and she is wonderful child of God) She posted this bible verse.
Isiah 43:16
"I am the Lord, who opened a way through the waters, making a dry path through the sea. "But forget all that- it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."
This is what I am ending with. WOW and I was doubting The Heavenly Father! I am in the perfect arms of my savior. Thank You JESUS!!!
P.S. If you'd like to pray please pray for my list there of oh pitty me's. Because I do need it!
Love Desiree' May a daughter, princess of Christ!! :)
Out situation isn't the greatest right now but I keep trying to mask on the Christian face and I keep telling myself I should see this as a blessing, I should see the good in this all. By "this all I mean" the end of 2011 sucked for me.
1. Cooper was fired from his job with no rhyme or reason what so ever.
2. We moved back to Montana from Boise because family is comfort in hard times (Blessing)
3. We currently live in a very tiny home (500 ft) in Pony MT population: Ghost town of 300 or less. (Now this is a Blessing also because we are fortunate to have a roof over our head and warmth and my mother in law is not charging us a dime I see this as a blessing for sure but I am struggling big time in this.)
4. I feel that my husband and I are growing apart. (Set in depression I am sure)
5. Cooper found out he is not allowed to collect unemployment because he was fired, but he is fighting this. (So pray hard please)
6. I am no longer losing weight as I found out that I am pregnant. Yes you read that right I am pregnant. Unplanned pregnancy right here. This is probably the hardest thing for me to deal with right now because I am not a joyful parent finding out that I am pregnant. I feel that it is completely wrong timing. The baby will be due August 13th. Then I will be a mother of two children who are 18months apart and it is freaking me out!!! (I do know that God has a plan for us and that his timing his the best even if I am blind to seeing it)
7. I feel more lonely that I have ever ever felt in my life. (Maybe it's the hormones, but it is what I feel right now)
8. I hate putting on a fake smile to pretend that everything is alright.
9. I am still dealing with an emotional loss of a friend (meaning we are no longer friends because of our mess ups with each other. But I am trying to be that Christian friend that will not give up on the relationship because if I do then I must be weak, cold hearted, careless)
10. BIGGEST thing right now is feeling like I'm living in Silence with my heavenly Father. I seem to feel that I can't hear him no longer.
11. Found out that a family member of mine is going to have to go to treatment because of yet another addiction in our family tree.
As I write this I begin to see some of these as not a real serious life threatening thing but others I really see as an attack on my life. I know I know it could be worse right? Wrong! This I feel is my worst and maybe it's just this moment in time but man I don't know if I can take anymore falls lately.
It is 4:43am. I have been up for a couple of hours now. There is Peace I can see it I just don't know when it is coming and that is what is probably driving me to these emotions is not knowing the future right now. At the same time I am glad I don't know. So back to my number 10. I began to talking to God in the wee hours of this morning and I just couldn't decipher if it was myself talking to me or not. Then I became distracted by my smartphone and saw the social media sign calling my name. Good ol Facebook the big White and Blue F... Who says God doesn't speak through facebook and uses his children to speak. I was reading a status Kate Frank's status (now Kate and I have only met a couple of times through the Boise Vineyard and she is wonderful child of God) She posted this bible verse.
Isiah 43:16
"I am the Lord, who opened a way through the waters, making a dry path through the sea. "But forget all that- it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."
This is what I am ending with. WOW and I was doubting The Heavenly Father! I am in the perfect arms of my savior. Thank You JESUS!!!
P.S. If you'd like to pray please pray for my list there of oh pitty me's. Because I do need it!
Love Desiree' May a daughter, princess of Christ!! :)
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Earth Quake!!!
Wow can I just say that I feel like I've been in an earth quake! I guess I have never been in a really earthquake so I can't truly say this but I can say my life has been shaken up a bit. Let's begin the day of November 10th... I just started on Weight watcher a couple of days prior to this and very consistent with working out 7 weeks to be exact. We got the horrible news that Cooper was fired from work this was shockingly surprising to the both of us, Cooper was so shocked. They had to let him go due to funds in the company I guess that lack their of. Well you know what is sad is when Cooper delivered the news all I could think of is in "my head" "What about weight watchers?" Isn't this disgusting!! Anyhow then I step back into reality and was like what the heck! What are we going to do? We were loving are family of friends in Boise. We really were beginning to feel like Boise could be a possible home for us. We met so many amazing people! People that literally would do anything for you in a second! It seemed like we had finally found ourselves where we could maybe be for awhile. Cooper and I both knew though that Boise would never be a settling down place, due to that is career of choice was very limited in the whole state of Idaho. This job literally the only job in his field in the whole state of Idaho. So that being said we knew right away that we must move back to Montana and just start figuring out life. We knew about a month prior to him being notified of getting fired that he decided to go back to Gradschool so we knew that we would be going back to MT sometime in the summer but not now, we did not have this planned to move.
So we had to do what we had to do,,, We sold almost everything we owned! (Almost) Can I just say when we moved to Boise we had a 20ft, plus a truck with another trailer on it and another car full of materialistic crap that we did not want to let go of. Let's just say the move back to MT we only, only had a 14ft moving truck and that is it. This may have been one of the hardest things but most wonderful thing that happened to us. All the materialistic crap in my life that I thought was so important was not really that important anymore. We lost everything but not really! Our faith has grown so much in the last 5 Months and I think the Lord was truly preparing me for this, because I kept telling myself Wow if I could just get rid of this.
Your probably asking what does this have to do with my weight loss journey! A whole lot actually. Currently right now I am still doing weight watchers and am very successful so far I've lost 10lbs in 6 weeks on top of what I already lost before starting WW. The thing is now it seems a lot harder to be successful but I am not going to let this temporary earthquake shake me up! The hardest challenge for me is right now we live in a very very small cabin in the middle of nowhere and it's freezing outside. Quite literally 10 degrees or lower some days. So how does one exercise consistently and hard. Well let's just say I haven't accomplished this yet. we have been going on several walks so that is good! Also the closest weight watchers meeting is an hour away. I have been very committed to this. So during this period of waiting out life, I can only focus on my eating habits so I take this has a blessing! :) Working out is easy for me, it has never been really that easy for me on the whole eating part of it all to stay healthy!
So if your reading this there are some prayer request we have
1. We are able to really seek Jesus in this time of waiting and take advantage of this
2. Cooper get's into grad=school. He will find out in March (Which he's confident he will) but you just never know
3. Cooper is able to find a temporary job until then.
4. Cooper's Mom and inherited father will see our faith grow stronger through this hard time and that she will seek the Lord herself.
5. That the Lord continue to provide for us and give us a clear direction.
Our Praises
1. We have this time to really just give to the Lord
2. Coopers Mom has this little cabin we are able to wait on life in until we figure out what we need to do... Rent free and utilities
3. Our lil guy T is healthy and growing like he should
4. Cooper and I are closer than we have ever been. I guess quite literally! He is my Rock!
5. We have been able to sit and pray for many people in our lives.
6. We have had some brief but great conversations with his Mom
7. Mother in law is bonding with her grandson
8. We are loved and have been blessed by so many friends and family in our lives and they are our Rock in prayer! Thank YOU!!
9. I am still losing weight!! :)
10. Loving my journey right now actually! :)
So we had to do what we had to do,,, We sold almost everything we owned! (Almost) Can I just say when we moved to Boise we had a 20ft, plus a truck with another trailer on it and another car full of materialistic crap that we did not want to let go of. Let's just say the move back to MT we only, only had a 14ft moving truck and that is it. This may have been one of the hardest things but most wonderful thing that happened to us. All the materialistic crap in my life that I thought was so important was not really that important anymore. We lost everything but not really! Our faith has grown so much in the last 5 Months and I think the Lord was truly preparing me for this, because I kept telling myself Wow if I could just get rid of this.
Your probably asking what does this have to do with my weight loss journey! A whole lot actually. Currently right now I am still doing weight watchers and am very successful so far I've lost 10lbs in 6 weeks on top of what I already lost before starting WW. The thing is now it seems a lot harder to be successful but I am not going to let this temporary earthquake shake me up! The hardest challenge for me is right now we live in a very very small cabin in the middle of nowhere and it's freezing outside. Quite literally 10 degrees or lower some days. So how does one exercise consistently and hard. Well let's just say I haven't accomplished this yet. we have been going on several walks so that is good! Also the closest weight watchers meeting is an hour away. I have been very committed to this. So during this period of waiting out life, I can only focus on my eating habits so I take this has a blessing! :) Working out is easy for me, it has never been really that easy for me on the whole eating part of it all to stay healthy!
So if your reading this there are some prayer request we have
1. We are able to really seek Jesus in this time of waiting and take advantage of this
2. Cooper get's into grad=school. He will find out in March (Which he's confident he will) but you just never know
3. Cooper is able to find a temporary job until then.
4. Cooper's Mom and inherited father will see our faith grow stronger through this hard time and that she will seek the Lord herself.
5. That the Lord continue to provide for us and give us a clear direction.
Our Praises
1. We have this time to really just give to the Lord
2. Coopers Mom has this little cabin we are able to wait on life in until we figure out what we need to do... Rent free and utilities
3. Our lil guy T is healthy and growing like he should
4. Cooper and I are closer than we have ever been. I guess quite literally! He is my Rock!
5. We have been able to sit and pray for many people in our lives.
6. We have had some brief but great conversations with his Mom
7. Mother in law is bonding with her grandson
8. We are loved and have been blessed by so many friends and family in our lives and they are our Rock in prayer! Thank YOU!!
9. I am still losing weight!! :)
10. Loving my journey right now actually! :)
Friday, November 4, 2011
At Peace
I had an incident a few days ago. I lost a friend/supporter in my life (not death) just our friendship had to end. I was so frantic about things and the character of who they called me out to be. I realized this is the enemy attacking me yet again, these are lies. I was going to fall off...my training myself... but then I realized that is exactly what the enemy wants me to do. He wants me to fail, because I have realized the closer I get to my consistencies in life the closer I am with my Heavenly Father. I love Him so much. Yesterday was a very rough day starting in the morning. I was about to give up on everything. My faith mostly... I just wanted to surrender and not believe that there is such a thing as God...because of breakup with a dear friend whom is a Christian. I couldn't believe the things that came from this person the hatred. Yes I said some awful things too. I will admit that I am not perfect. I got on my hands and knees yesterday and prayed "LORD I need physical confirmation that the lies this person was speaking into me if there is any inkling of this as truth please please let me know!!" I don't want to be this person. This person said I had a seared conscience because I told them that I was no longer believing the lies that they were speaking into me. All morning I was like what if this person is right about my "seared conscience". I then again was LORD if any of this is true please please let me know in physical confirmation. I was about to give up on everything yesterday until I was like no that is exactly what it wants. TO GIVE UP, NOT TO SUCCEED!! So I went to my Zumba class and let me tell you I was crying like a baby all the way there, I was so angry. And then about the 3rd song I just was having fun again I was free from even any of these lies. The class ended and I was about to walk out until my instructor said "Desiree' come here what's up with you?" Lately you've been leaving class without any word. She knew that I'm trying really hard to lose my weight. She is kind of my accountability partner if you can say that. She then began to speak and said "Desiree' I just wanted to Thank you for your love for people, your willingness to do anything for them, You are beautiful!! You are gorgeous." (This just made me cry more like a baby I was literally shaken and she asked me what is wrong? I said you spoke the truth to me and I asked God this morning to give me a physical confirmation about something I was told I was... and you confirmed I am not!! I was so at peace with everything. I know for sure that I am not those words this person spoke into me. That was truly from the enemy. Thank You Lord for who you are in my life! I will continue to conquer this battle of weight in my life. I am going to lose it all in one year. I vow this to you!! :)
Monday, October 24, 2011
Jealousy.... A BIG PIT
Ok I'm not one that usually gets jealous.... WAIT back up I would be lying if I said that. I'm finding more and more that I am a very jealous person. I know I know I'm not suppose to right, but I do that is a big fault of mine. Last night I was speaking with my husband and a topic came up and I realized that I'm a very selfish individual. Well I am human, but I am capable of changing my attitudes and thoughts. This morning as I was working out I didn't have my headphones so I was unable to listen to my body pumping music so instead I decided to watch others as there working out. YES I am a people watcher for sure. I saw this gal probably my age or older but she was like wonder woman. She was on the treadmill and she was to speed intervals like speed 11 and jog 6. (WOW) I was just amazed by her. I would like to say in my head I was like way to go, your awesome, but nope! That's not at all what I said in my head. I said "Show-off" then I realized I became quickly jealous. Not in that instant time but now.
Yes I am a jealous person. I hate that sometimes I feels that it's easier for people to do things. There are many things this past week that I have become jealous of...
1. People that don't have to work at being (skinny)
2. People that have the money to just have everything they want
3. People that are very talented in photography but not willing to share their talent
4. People that can run a marathon like they just ran a mile
5. People that are completely out of debt
6. People that can go shopping for clothes and have fun with it
7. People that can just have an easy fix and don't have to work at it
These are things that I am jealous of and this morning as I was listening to a radio station Dave Ramsey (He does a financial peace university and helps people get out of debt) I realized I have a very jealous heart. Which is really holding me back to becoming the person I was created to be. Those are probably the most recent but I have realized I'm living in these lies daily and the enemy is really attacking me with these. Instead of being jealous I need to take in control and be able to do this myself. Some of these are really unrealistic and have no need to even be in my thoughts but they are. They really are tearing me apart. How am I suppose to transform if I keep having these negative thoughts. I know most people probably wouldn't admit who or what their jealous of but I had to write this to come into a realization that this is what is holding me back from being great. I want to be a great photographer! I want to be a very healthy active person that can run a marathon. I want to be debt free! I need to learn to teach myself that lies are lies and I can either live in that lie or break free from that lie. Today I have an opportunity to meet with a very passionate photographer. I have the opportunity to become a great photographer. also have an opportunity to get our family out of debt. I have the opportunity to be a very healthy and active marathon runner! I will do these and may more. No longer will I live behind these lies! No longer will I live in jealously. Starting today I am going to break free from this evil pit of jealousy I am no longer going to allow to take control. Instead of wishing that I could be like that gal at the gym and become jealous I am going to tell her Awesome job and become that myself. I want to be an encourager for all! I want to be a teacher to all! :) I will break free of this. Jealously will no long hold me captive. I am done falling into this pit daily. This realistically is going to be very hard but I know I can live a jealous free life. This may be my biggest challenge yet. Will you walk with me in this challenge?
Yes I am a jealous person. I hate that sometimes I feels that it's easier for people to do things. There are many things this past week that I have become jealous of...
1. People that don't have to work at being (skinny)
2. People that have the money to just have everything they want
3. People that are very talented in photography but not willing to share their talent
4. People that can run a marathon like they just ran a mile
5. People that are completely out of debt
6. People that can go shopping for clothes and have fun with it
7. People that can just have an easy fix and don't have to work at it
These are things that I am jealous of and this morning as I was listening to a radio station Dave Ramsey (He does a financial peace university and helps people get out of debt) I realized I have a very jealous heart. Which is really holding me back to becoming the person I was created to be. Those are probably the most recent but I have realized I'm living in these lies daily and the enemy is really attacking me with these. Instead of being jealous I need to take in control and be able to do this myself. Some of these are really unrealistic and have no need to even be in my thoughts but they are. They really are tearing me apart. How am I suppose to transform if I keep having these negative thoughts. I know most people probably wouldn't admit who or what their jealous of but I had to write this to come into a realization that this is what is holding me back from being great. I want to be a great photographer! I want to be a very healthy active person that can run a marathon. I want to be debt free! I need to learn to teach myself that lies are lies and I can either live in that lie or break free from that lie. Today I have an opportunity to meet with a very passionate photographer. I have the opportunity to become a great photographer. also have an opportunity to get our family out of debt. I have the opportunity to be a very healthy and active marathon runner! I will do these and may more. No longer will I live behind these lies! No longer will I live in jealously. Starting today I am going to break free from this evil pit of jealousy I am no longer going to allow to take control. Instead of wishing that I could be like that gal at the gym and become jealous I am going to tell her Awesome job and become that myself. I want to be an encourager for all! I want to be a teacher to all! :) I will break free of this. Jealously will no long hold me captive. I am done falling into this pit daily. This realistically is going to be very hard but I know I can live a jealous free life. This may be my biggest challenge yet. Will you walk with me in this challenge?
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
My Own Worst Enemy
Hello you all transformers out there ready to hit the nation. So I feel good for sure but am not feeling great. Last night I went to a Zumba class at a dance studio of Ballet. Now I've never been a ballet dancer but I felt so awkward being there. It wasn't that I was there for a ballet class what-so-ever but parents were waiting for their little ballerinas to get out of class while the many of us Adult beginner Zumba people were waiting to go into the room. I began to feel that eyes were all over me. Making comments in their heads about me. It was really hard to enjoy my Zumba class last night because of the thoughts that I was having that I was making up in my own head that these others may have been thinking. I don't know if this makes any sense at all. There was a whole part of me that wanted to put on my shirt If you think I'm fat you should have seen me when I was 300 pounds. :) LOL and then on my back saying down blank pounds. Just so people knew that I was determined and I was losing weight. I think this is hard right now because I have moved to a different place where people did not know me. So I am going off of their first impression. I know this is all in my head that I making crap up to discourage myself on what other may be thinking. Key word "May be thinking." Even in my Zumba class I was the heaviest person there it was so hard to enjoy dancing while looking in the mirror and seeing myself reflection. Why must they have mirrors. O right to make sure you have the correct posture!!! Then to top it all off the instructor (love her dearly) was like OK everyone front row go back and back row come forward I almost had a heart attack. I am trying to get as far a way from my reflection as possible so I don't have to look at it. Then she says go to your "Happy Place" which was funny because how in the Hell can I go to my happy place when I am already feeling very awkward that close to a full body mirror!! I just want to holler "Mirror Mirror on this wall get the hell out of hear so I can just enjoy myself dancing." But it didn't so I had to do a Zumba song in front of a mirror that felt like just inches away. As soon as we were finished with the one song I looked back at the lady that was originally in my happy spot and pleaded with her so I could have that spot back. She was very nice and was like of course. Now tell me there is something wrong hear. Why do I think that way? Why do I keep holding myself back? Yes it's truly me who is holding me back. Not anyone. Not the ballerinas, or the ballerina parents. They never said a thing. I should have been able to go confidently in and strut my stuff. But I was embarrassed. Yes I was embarrassed by myself. I need to not only transform my body but mostly my mind and my thoughts. I am my own worst enemy right now! I will conquer this I know I will and when I do I am going to shout on top of a mountain! I DID IT!!!! :)
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